So as you may know from previous emails, the man I’d been seeing more casually, Eric, broke things off with me a few weeks ago now.
And the reason he gave: He wants his own partner. He doesn’t want to be “the other guy.”
Fair. Totally fair.
But after replaying our conversation many times in my head, something didn’t really make sense about this explanation. What was confusing was that this was always the case…
Since the day we first hung out (a magical Sunday last summer at a festival) he expressed that he feels that he couldn’t be non-monogamous. That it sounds like something that would give him anxiety.
Yet we still saw each other again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
So the question remains: Almost a year after that fateful day, what changed?
I think as someone who is a perfectionist and thus, sometimes hard on myself, my immediate thought was well, what changed is: He just stopped liking me as much as he had.
In the end, that’s the real reason relationships end.
You can come up with all the logical justifications you want for why you do or don’t do something. But the real reason is always the same: You didn’t feel like it anymore.
Your feelings always always always run the show.
So yes, in some way, he didn’t feel strongly enough for me anymore. That has to be the reason.
But the reality of the matter is that we were never supposed to date. It just took some time for his feelings to align with this reality.
So I could reframe it all, instead, like this:
He liked me so much and we had such a good time at the beginning (and in the middle) that it clouded his ability to see the reality. With some more time apart and a few not-so-good encounters, that veil was lifted.
In other words, his true feelings caught up. He was able to see and, for the first time, really feel that truth.
Really it was never meant to be more than it was.
Sometimes a magical fling at a festival is meant to be just that: a magical fling at a festival.
So here’s to trying to only date other non-monogamous people. And to, I hope, many more magical summer flings. :)
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Hello from one of the 3,000 lakes in Berlin and around (This one: Krumme Lanke).
Great insight Sarah. Sometimes, a fling is just a fling. Sometimes, it can develop into more. Internet hugs. Endings are tough, no matter what the "reason."
Based only on what I have read from you interpreted through my het male experience, you chose someone wise enough to warn you that he did not think he was polyamorous, yet open-minded enough to experiment with it. I think one year is a fair experiment, and he let you know that his original concern has been borne out. I know there's a niggling "What if I had been really great, wouldn't he have been willing to give up monogamy for that?" I don't think so. No matter how good you are when you are together, polyamory means he'll be left with his own emotions when you are apart. Some people are too distressed by that to tolerate it, no matter how good they feel when together.
I don't think that means you should never repeat the experiment with a different partner. Few people go from zero partners ever to two or more all at once. Most polyamorous people started with one partner and an invitation to experiment. I certainly did. And I think you did, originally. I hope you meet others worthy enough of trusting to give it a try.