So last Thursday, Eric (the guy I’ve been casually seeing for several months) and I had a “chat” and basically, he told me that he didn’t want to see me anymore, romantically.
He said, that what he wants is a partner — not to be the “other guy”. And though I hate that terminology, and I didn’t view him that way, practically, that is what he was: the other guy.
Flo was the priority and he wasn’t, and there’s no denying that.
He wants to find a monogamous partner, or at least someone who gives him more time and commitment and energy and prioritization than I was providing. And he has every right to that.
And as much as I could pretend, that, Well, when he meets someone, then we’ll end things. Of course, I was getting in the way of that, somehow.
So I don’t blame him for this. It all makes sense.
But it’s still sad of course
I’ll miss him.
I miss that desire, that rush, that dopamine kick every time he texted me. The waiting to see him again. Spending time with him, going on random escapades in Berlin.
We had some awesome times together.
I’ve been down these last days with the absence of all of that and the knowledge that it’s not going to happen again.
At the same time, if I’m honest, I’m kind of relieved.
It wasn’t all rainbows and ponies
Although we had some really good times, towards the end, it was stressful.
I could feel him losing interest these last weeks, and it became increasingly hard to manage my partner Flo’s feelings as well as his, and my own of course. I didn’t want to let go of him. I was trying with all my might to hold some sort of grip on Eric, even though our connection was basically this flimsy piece of thread growing thinner with every day.
And so, this just didn’t work in the end. It just didn’t work.
So it’s over now, and im sad and relieved at once. And I’ve learned a lot. Particularly the following two things.
#1. I won’t actually date anyone who is not also non-monogamous.
In the book, More Than Two, author, one of the authors Franklin Veaux says something like, he won’t date people with fewer than two partners. When I first read it, I found that extreme. But I totally see now that, that is simply a sure-fire way to see that the person he is seeing is truly 100% committed to non-monogamy. He has enough experience to know that this is what will work for him, and to avoid situations that are hurtful to anyone involved.
So yeah, I’m def down for a dance floor make out or a one night stand with a monogamous person, but this situation—actually dating someone who wants to find a monogamous partner—I will avoid, going forward,
#2. The other thing I’ve realized is that we all did our best and there’s no reason to be hard on anyone.
I’m going to talk more about all of this tomorrow at the webinar I’m hosting with Joe Duncan and Ro Moëd.
But basically, there is no script for this. There’s no right way. And so I followed my values: honesty, openness, and “try not to be a dick” and in hindsight, I’m pretty proud of the way I conducted myself. And that’s all I can judge.
#noregrets, #yolo, #onelove, #insertcheeseyhashtaghere
Like I said, more on this tomorrow, and I hope to see you there.
Joe, Ro and I did a dry run last night, and they have some extremely thought-provoking perspectives to share, both coming from different romantic styles than I do. You don’t want to miss this.
3 Must-Knows For Transitioning Into Non-monogamy
Get excited and bring your questions.
Tomorrow, May 19, 3pm ET, save the date. (And if you can’t make it, no worries there’s a 48-hr replay!)
<3
Sarah
About an hour south of Berlin last weekend in Spreewald. “They some big ones!” as they say.
Honestly, being ENM, I wonder if I’m meant to be single/alone/often lonely. I don’t have a primary partner and my most regular partner became exclusive with someone else. I am tempted to become monogamous to find a primary…but this is an isolating life. Seeing lovers once a month or two isn’t good enough. My geographic location isn’t great for ENM, too. Sigh. My last primary partner left me because he was monogamous. It was difficult.