I posted a video on Instagram a few weeks ago which triggered a lot of people. And watching it again recently, I have to say it triggered me too.
In the video, I talk about how before a trip to Spain in Flo’s van this past Spring, he asked me how I would feel if he were to meet up with an old flame of his from when he had studied abroad there.
The two of them hadn’t seen each other in years.
I told him, of course, he should see her. If we’ve come all the way across the European continent, they should take the opportunity.
But although I was okay with them hanging out, I wasn’t okay with them sleeping together in the van that we were driving in across Europe.
This was a boundary that I had set to protect myself. It made me feel uncomfortable to think of them together in our shared space so I asked him to leave it for us.
The beliefs behind the boundary
But reading Polywise by Jessica Fern made me reflect on that boundary again. In the book, Fern challenges readers to understand the beliefs they may be holding onto from monogamy that are influencing their feelings and agreements in non-monogamous relationships.
I wondered why exactly the idea of them having sex in the van bothered me (given he washed the sheets afterward).
I suppose I saw that space as our space.
And it’s totally reasonable to reserve spaces or objects for ourselves, for us alone. Especially when they are spaces we do very intimate private things like sleep or have sex.
But now that I’m out of the situation, I don’t totally stand behind that reason. In other words, I don’t know if it reflects the version of myself I would like to be.
Does it really matter if he and someone else use that space? Is it really going to take anything away from us as a couple if he experiences bodily pleasure with another woman within it? Is that space really sacred, or is it only sacred now that it’s under threat in some way?
Is a part of my anger at the thought of it based on the fact that I believe deep inside his having sex with another woman is dirty? (And gross! Vaginas!)
Whereas if I truly believed sex were beautiful through and through, wouldn’t I celebrate that my partner experienced something beautiful in that space?
Like if he were to chill with a friend in there and play video games, would I have the same reaction?
Honestly, even though I want to believe that sex with him and someone else in that space is beautiful, writing those words feels so inauthentic to me. Totally unaligned with my real feelings.
On one hand, I want to be happy about the idea of my partner experiencing pleasure in that space that we share too.
But on the other hand, it still feels wrong.
So what do we do about this inner conflict?
Embrace where you are right now.
Before I answer that, I first want to go back to the video I posted.
In the 90 seconds I had for the reel, I explained some of what I talked about above, about how my desire to keep another woman out of the van may have come from these sex-negative beliefs. I explain that it would be helpful to replace those beliefs with less possessive, more sex-positive ones.
I stand by that.
But just because I’m questioning and challenging where this desire and boundary arose doesn’t mean I ignored it.
A lot of people assumed that I must have told my partner I was okay with him sleeping with her in the van.
They assumed that because I was critical of where my desires and boundaries may have come from that means I must not have adhered to them or that I must believe they are wrong to have. (Or that my partner must be manipulating me!)
But none of that is true.
You can at once be critical of the underlying beliefs behind your boundaries and still follow through on your boundaries.
Say I go to lunch with a friend. There’s a part of me that wants to treat her. There’s an ideal version of myself that’s more generous and carefree about money. But the reality is I’m not that way. Sometimes, I do care when I’m $10 poorer than I would be otherwise. I need to be conscious of and respect that reality. It doesn’t make me a bad person.
Similarly, there is an ideal version of myself that wouldn’t give a shit if my partner had sex in the van, that would maybe even enjoy the idea of it. And I slowly am starting to be more and more accepting of such situations as I dismantle beliefs from monogamous culture and feel more comfortable with non-monogamy.
But I can also recognize with love and acceptance where I am right now.
I probably still carry some sex-negative beliefs and am a bit possessive over my partner. I do want things just for the two of us. And that’s okay.
Both can be true.
And this is a skill I think a lot of us struggle with. Accepting these two realities.
Being able to at once love ourselves and where we are but also be able to take a step back and honestly evaluate ourselves and think about how we might live even more in line with our values.
To at once accept ourselves now and also understand that there’s maybe somewhere else we might want to go.
And it doesn’t mean that the place we want to go is fundamentally better or more evolved or that if we’re not there yet, we’re not good enough.
Part of being able to grow is being able to take an honest look at ourselves and not freak out if we find room to improve or are less than “perfect”.
Only from that place can we truly be at peace. Only from that place can we blossom.
Create healthy boundaries in non-monogamy
If you’re interested more in this topic, this month I’m hosting my last webinar before I go on parental leave on exactly this.
In the webinar you’re going to learn to:
👩🏽❤️💋👩🏼Identify what's important to you in your relationships.
✅Create healthy boundaries based on your wants and needs.
💖Enforce boundaries in service to yourself and your relationship(s).
How can you protect yourself and create safety and happiness in your life without stepping on other people’s toes (too much?)
Let’s dive into this topic together live.
Date: Tues, Dec 19
Time: 12pm EST
Cost: $22 or free for supporting members. (Just let me know if you can make it live. Either way, you will be sent the replay).
Duration: 1 hr +1/2 Q&A so bring your questions.
"You can at once be critical of the underlying beliefs behind your boundaries and still follow through on your boundaries." --I think this is solid life advice, Sarah. My therapist tells me that my values and boundaries matter most when they're challenged. So, when they ARE challenged, it gives us an opportunity to reflect and say something like, "I'm going to hold to this boundary for now, but, I might evolve it in the near or further off future." We can both advocate for ourselves in the moment and be open to fluidity!