A few weeks back I wrote about this guy I went out with, and how good it felt to be in this cloud of heat for someone new.
Want. Desire. Thrill. Lust. There’s no better shot to the head of dopamine.
But every force has an equal and opposite force, some physicist said.
And last week I felt that opposite force like a dagger to the stomach. Here’s what happened:
Flo was away at a festival in Spain for two weeks, and I was imagining in my mind, that I’ll be free as a bird to hang out with this french guy again as much as my little heart desired.
We were going to have a great time together.
And it seemed like that was in fact the plan. We’d exchanged some texts and had some loose plans to hang out on the weekend. But as the weekend approached, all I heard was silence.
And more silence and more silence.
I felt that dagger going deeper and deeper. As I asked myself why he hasn’t texted me back yet? I kept looking at my phone like an addict desperate for her next kick.
“Maybe just wait a little longer…” I told myself. What other choice did I have?
He’d made it clear he would text me to plan for the weekend. The ball was in his court.
A constant loop of voices in my head argued back and forth until the obvious truth revealed itself plainly: He’s just not that into you.
And of course, it didn’t help that in conjunction with this turmoil, I was PMSing, and the comfort of my partner Flo was gone
I turned to my friends for support — one in particular, saved me. It was a really really hard week. And I know that this disappointment, this unrequited desire, was the main culprit.
But I also know that this person is someone who doesn’t matter at all.
Someone I got drunk with three times. That’s pretty much it.
And this week, I’m reflecting on whether it was all really worth it? Was the juice worth the squeeze?
I still don’t know.
But I do know sometimes you just have a bad week, the stars misalign. And the only thing we can do is try to focus on the good in our lives, the stuff that does really matter. Like the good friends that were there for me. The partner I love so much and I was so excited to see yesterday. My health…The summer.
And this work, that’s meaningful to me.
Yeah, life is good, and it’s all going to be pretty damn okay.
<3
Sarah
That’s me doing karaoke on Monday, “Mardy Bum” by the Arctic Monkeys. Later I did “The Thong Song” and someone in the crowd recognized me from my articles and said I helped him in his relationship. Pretty awesome!