Before I had a life growing inside of me, I didn’t really know what to expect from pregnancy. I imagined whatever happened I would keep dating, would keep being sexual.
In other words, I would keep being my badass and inspiring self, sort of like Rihanna.
But the truth is, I’ve found this goal harder to achieve than I’d imagined.
I’ve grown a lot over the last weeks, I don’t mean psychologically but physically. And this has really changed everything for me.
Now I have a little being moving inside me at regular intervals, before and after meals, when I lie on my back, in the morning and in the evenings. It’s there, it’s always there.
I have heartburn, my sleeping is getting weirdly shallow, climbing stairs has never been so difficult, and I’m sober. Just sober all the damn time forever and ever!
But mostly I’m huge.
I’ve gained over 20 lbs already, and the average weight gain is 25-35 lbs throughout the whole pregnancy. And I’m just not used to it.
People say I look beautiful. I believe them.
I agree there is beauty in this body. It’s powerful, and it’s really amazing what it is doing.
But beautiful is one thing. Sexy is another. When people say I look “sexy,” I don’t believe them.
When people say I look “sexy,” I don’t believe them.
Yes, maybe there is something sexy about my pregnancy, about the way I carry it, about my confidence and my will to stay social and joyous and active throughout it all.
But I don’t feel truly sexy, like sexual. When it comes down to it, I’m insecure about the way I look.
I went to an outdoor club a few weeks ago to dance with some friends.
Before I left for the club, I made a point to turn up the sexiness. I tried to rock the smoky eyes look, which I never normally do. I tried to highlight my chest a bit, which I normally wouldn’t bother about, but that is the only part that might be more sexy than it used to be.
But still when I arrived, the only clearly pregnant person among hundreds of others, I mostly felt silly.
How can I really be attractive? What kind of guy would hit on me? If I were to hit on them, wouldn’t they just be confused? Like, This woman’s pregnant. What is she doing? Why is she even here? Shouldn’t she be at home cooking with her husband?
I’m terrified of rejection in my already sensitive state.
My sex life has gone downhill over the last months, and I don’t know what the real cause is. Is it my sexual partners not seeing me as sexy or is it me not seeing me as sexy? Or both?
The thing is people don’t see me anymore.
They see a pregnant person.
And it’s not all bad, don’t get me wrong. At the airport, on my way to New York a person on staff insisted I cut the line to check in my bag. People are kinder than normal and I get more attention. They’re excited about my belly, in admiration of the fact that I’m still out there enjoying my life doing things I did before.
But sometimes I just wish I could make it disappear. I just want to go back to being me—not pregnant me—and I don’t know that I ever will.
Because it’s not like after these nine months, I’m going be hitting the club again, tearing up the dance floor without a care in the world.
No, then I’ll be a mother.
And I’ll be breastfeeding, and my body still won’t be my own.
I’ll be responsible for someone else. No matter where I go, I will be responsible for someone else.
And I’m just scared of what’s to come.
And what I’ve lost.
And so I’m in mourning. Over I-don’t-know-exacty-what.
That feeling of freedom. Of validation from men. I never realized how important my looks were to me until now. And it’s a bit sad.
And I know, I know, maybe this shouldn’t matter so much. What I’m doing is much much bigger and much much much more important than how I look physically, than the size of my stomach. It’s more important than feeling sexy and flirting and fooling around.
So I wonder if I should just stop trying at all. Maybe I should temporarily pause that part of me. Now that I’m big and sober and have a baby kicking around in my stomach.
But not trying at all feels like giving in. Feel like giving up. Feels like doing what society expects of me. And I despise that idea (as childish as that may sound).
To be honest, I still don’t know what mindset to have or to choose or to want or to let go of.
But I do know that I'm having a kid, and it’s not like I would change all that if I had the choice right now.
I still want the kicks. I even want the attention for being pregnant too.
I want this experience, the bad and the good.
And most of all, I want to meet my little child.
And I want to love that child more than I ever knew how to love before. And I want to be a mother. And I want to see Flo be a father. And I want us to marvel at what we created together.
I want all of that so much.
I just also love who I used to be. And I don’t want to have to say goodbye.
The webinar last night, “What to do when jealousy strikes” was fun and felt more intimate than normal. If you missed the boat, don't worry, you can get the replay here.
Here’s a photo my mom put on display in her living room recently from when she first became a mom (with my older brother). She’s 28 and my dad (RIP) is just about 40. Anyway, I just thought it was sweet, and it made me excited to be in their place. (Fall 1986)
Sarah, I agree with Dave's comment (below). Pregnant women are oh so SEXY! Most likely, guys are a bit reluctant to approach you because they assume their overture is not welcome. Next time you go out and want attention, just give a little bit of a signal. I bet big money you will be happy with the response.
And, getting ready to add a life to the world is a big deal. And it will change your life in ways you can't imagine. And you will also experience love like you never imagined. All the best to you and your new family.
Well yes...having a baby changes everything. Your identity as a woman, your sexuality, your relationship with your partner and just your way of being in the world. Give yourself grace and be open to whatever shifts will come. Also the old cliche is true - to everything there is a season. You might not feel like a sex goddess now or in the initial months or even years after your child's birth (speaking from my own experience anyway), but there will come a time when you'll feel that way again, or perhaps even better/different!