Ever since I first heard about polyamory, it seemed like the “the way.” It rang correct. Like the expression of a more evolved humanity.
It seems to shun many less-than-desirable human characteristics: possessiveness and greed to name a few.
Furthermore, it inspires behavior associated with Jesus Christ or the Buddha: Love the person it may be most difficult to love (your partner’s other partner). Or at least do your best to.
It advocates for a beautiful concept called compersion, experiencing joy when the people we date feel joy, even if that joy comes from another relationship.
It encourages facing your fear of abandonment or worthlessness issues and working through them with awareness.
It uplifts sluttiness and sex positivity. As long as you are safer, why not sleep with more than one person? Free love baby.
Yes, there’s so much beauty in the idea of polyamory.
We date other people and have enjoyed that freedom so far, but will we ever be truly polyamorous?
And because of that beauty, ever since I first met real-life people practicing it seven years ago, I’ve been trying to go in that direction.
I’ve dreamed of a polycule, a connected web of lovers and partners who all get along, of my very own.
Yet that’s not where I am right now. That’s not where we are, my partner of three years, Flo, and me.
We are non-monogamous. We date other people and have enjoyed that freedom so far, but will we ever be truly polyamorous? Will either of us ever have other real partners whom we love?
Nowadays, I’m less and less sure that’s where either of us is headed.
I’m questioning whether polyamory is really for me.
For some of you, this might not be surprising.
This newsletter, for example, is called Monogamish not Polyamorous (or Polyamorish for that matter). Those of you following me for a while know I’ve never had more than one partner.
And when I really think about it, I don’t know if I really want that to change. What I’ve loved over the last few years about being non-monogamous has been mostly the freedom it allows. For example, being able to go out and not know where the night will take me. The freedom to meet another beautiful person and not feel restriction but possibility.
Maybe I don’t truly want another partner. To love more than one person romantically. Maybe I don’t want more responsibility, more adults’ needs to consider.
Between my current partner, my family, my friends, and my work, I feel satisfied. I feel full.
And so the point of all this is to say, maybe after all these years, I’m not really polyamorous.
Maybe I’m just meant to stand on the sidelines cheering on all the polyamorous people, like, I fucking see you, you’re awesome. Wow!
Not be in the game playing with them.
I still love the idea. I still find it beautiful. I’m still open to it. But maybe that idea will never become a reality. Maybe it’s not where I’m headed, the inevitable conclusion to this non-monogamous story.
Ultimately, what is most appealing about polyamory, specifically, is the idea of community and connections, of building a tribe.
But you can build a tribe without being specifically polyamorous.
There’s more than one way to skin a cat as they say (is that what they say? I don’t know.)
Meow.
In Guanajuato, Mexico, figuring out “my way.”
P.S. You may have noticed this email arrived a day late. I was honoring/protesting, for International Women’s Day aka Queer & Feminist Fight day.
P.P.S. You have until tomorrow to let me know if you’re interested in one-on-one coaching with me. Just reply to this email with any questions, and I’m happy to answer.
The question to ask yourself is whether you could fall in love with other people. If that happened already, or you think you could, that might lead to potential polyamorous developements. But in any case, nothing stops you from changing your current relationship status and agreements and boundaries if you need to. And even if you're polyamorous with one or zero partners, that's doesn't make you less polyamorous. Maybe the actual label you use to define the type of relationship you're currently having is what suits you best at the moment, maybe it could change with time, or not changing at all, and that's fine. In any case, that's reassuring reading you're fully satisfied with your bonds. That's what matters the most. Go at your own pace and change when you feel the need to. I wanna thank you because following you is really interesting and that's a great source of learning and debating, whether within myself or with other people, don't stop being who you are :) by the way, were you in Paris a few months ago? I thought I saw you in the subways but I was too shy to say hi!
This resonates so much. I do currently use the word polyamorous for myself and my relationship(s), but also ... I am in one romantic relationship. I live with that partner. I'm used to spending a lot of time with them. I have no acute desire for that to change, I don't actively desire having another romantic relationship for the sake of having more than one romantic relationship, and I'm not actively looking. (I wasn't actively looking when I was single either, but I digress.) If/When I meet someone I wanna date, I'm happy that I get to do that - that's one reason I chose this. I love that I can fall in love again without that love competing with the love I already have. I love the freedom of this, same as you. But it's probably no coincidence that since me and my partner have got together, I've not felt any real desire to go on dates with strangers. I don't feel like I'm missing anything. I love that the opportunity is out there for the taking, when/if I want it. I love that this is true for my partner as well. And that's all. I'm happy.