On our trip last week to Poland, I asked Flo how he was feeling about the relationship (we do this regularly, a “relationship check-in” and I highly recommend it) and he said something which I was totally unprepared for…
He was having doubts about us lately.
And with that, I immediately started to feel sick. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Were we breaking up? Was this the beginning of the end?
He said something after that about still loving me but I couldn’t hear him. It just bounced away.
He said more words but they all felt just as meaningless
I didn’t touch him as I went to sleep that night next to him, overloaded and exhausted with sadness.
The next day we had a tour planned, so we said we’d talk about it all again later.
Throughout the day, I was feeling betrayed, like, what the hell am I going to do now? I started doubting us too, doubting his love for me, doubting if I should have ever put my trust in him in the first place.
And along with the dread of breaking up, of not feeling certain of yet another thing in my life, I was also thinking about you.
Yes, you.
I was thinking about how I’m in this non-monogamous relationship which I tell you all is wonderful. And how, if it fails, I would have somehow failed you.
I thought about how you would stop reading my stuff because I clearly have no idea what the fuck I’m doing when it comes to love.
And I worried that everyone would say, I told you so. And they would point to the open relationship as the reason we split.
Yes, those fears were among everything else I felt about losing the person I love.
But alas, later that day, Flo and I talked again and he said, after saying them out loud, his doubts felt meaningless. That he still loves me, and he thinks he was just feeling a lot of pressure on our relationship and needed to say those things out loud.
Things have been better with him, and I do believe he really wants to be with me too.
And now that I’m saying all this aloud, I have a feeling that you guys would stay with me anyway too, no matter what happens in my relationship ;)-
<3
There are no new posts this week because I’ve been doubling down on the online course I’ve been working on, which will start in early September.
The course will challenge you to step into your sexual self and go out and pursue the sex life you desire.
If this interests you, please contact me by replying to this message.
I’m really excited!
<3
Sarah
A shot from our Dresden hostel — nevermind the plates
Hi Sarah - I've faced a similar struggle. I've seen my own unconventional relationship fall into hard times, and suddenly it seems like I've failed not just myself or the other person or that relationship, but I've failed the very promise offered by unconventional relationships and everyone who believes in them. Or I think that the people who know me well enough will secretly sneer: "Of course it failed! They were playing with fire!" But I think that sets waaaaaaaay too high an expectation for myself! Taking the road-less-traveled doesn't mean that the road has no bumps in it, or even a cliff at the end. A less-than-strictly-monogamous relationship is still a human relationship, with a beginning and a middle and an end. Regardless of the 'model', it can be strong or fragile or anything in between, and it can shape-shift. And you might not get to see all or any of that complexity very clearly except in hindsight. Put another way, lots and lots of strictly monogamous relationships fail, and no one seems to blame monogamy, even if an affair was involved. No one seems to say: "Of course it failed, trying to stay with one person and only one person for life." But why don't we say that? When people get hitched in a traditional way and then one person strays, why don't other people point to the closed nature of the relationship as the underlying reason for the split? My simple answer: people want to believe in their story-book fairy tales, me included!
Listen Sarah, I’ve read your piece twice now and can understand why you felt the way you did. You made the same mistake we all probably have done more than once, we read too much into a thing and then started doubting everything. It’s ok, and it just shows that sometimes, we’re our own worst enemy. Giving people space is the beat thing we can do and you did that, and Flo had time to come to terms with his feelings to your benefit.
And lastly, the day someone can predict the future with clarity, that person will be rich beyond anyone’s wildest dreams. We’re here for your story and thoughts, not because you’re able to predict the future. Nothing is forever and it just goes to show, you’re human like the rest of us. Keep writing and share your life, feelings, and thoughts with us. Stay strong!!