My roommate and I were eating some delicious homemade cherry tomato sauce with pasta when I told her about this past weekend.
Flo and I had attended a mini sex-positive festival outside of Berlin and there, I kissed two guys other than Flo. The first guy was someone I thought of as more of a friend. We had been dancing, it was late, and then all of a sudden:
He asked if he could kiss me.
I was ambivalent but I said yes. And the kiss itself was actually nice. I like this person as a human being, I felt safe and cuddly with him.
But later, when we went down to the lake to watch the sky’s first light emerge from the horizon, and he asked to kiss me again, I said no. For no particular reason, I didn’t really want to. (Which made me feel super guilty by the way but that’s a story for another time).
This made me question whether I had ever really wanted to kiss him in the first place or I just had felt overwhelmed by the question in that moment and thought saying yes was easiest. I don’t know for sure.
But in any case, after hearing story, my flatmate asked me if I liked it when men did that. When they asked if they can kiss me.
I answered I don’t dislike it. It’s certainly better than them being pushy about it (like that guy at the club a few weeks ago ).
“And you?” I asked.
“Nein,” she answered and her explanation for why not was really interesting…
Why not ask permission?
When you’re asked verbally, “Can I kiss you?” you may logically think, “Well, why not?” as I did. Or you might start going into your head and weighing the pros and cons. As if this is something for your verbal, logical brain to figure out.
But it’s not.
This is something primarily your body knows the answer to. In other words, it’s territory for the emotional brain.
For example, if someone moves their face toward you and you don’t want to kiss them, you might turn away without actually ever thinking about it. And that act of turning away is the answer to the question “Can I kiss you?” that you may not have otherwise been able to come up with if you’d thought about it.
Your body knows best.
The kiss I had later in the weekend perfectly exemplifies this phenomenon.
On the last night, a guy I noticed on day one, started talking to me on the dance floor, and then he touched my arm and I touched his.
And we talked some more and smiled at each other, and our eyes lingered and then his face came closer to mine, and mine to his, and with a grin still planted on my face, our lips met.
It was what he wanted, it was what I wanted, and it was very clear from our body language that that was the case.
Our bodies knew it, and our verbal minds didn’t really need to play a part.
But better to be cautious if you're not sure.
That all said, I do encourage talking about boundaries around sex beforehand. What I’m talking about doesn’t always work for other types of sexual exchanges. For example, you probably won’t be able to tell if someone wants anal sex without actually having a conversation about it first.
It is important to talk about what both parties feel comfortable with beforehand preferably with your clothes on.
And in the case where you’re really just not sure, it’s probably a no but you could also ask to be safe.
God, now I really want to kiss him again.
<3
Sarah
PS. Thanks to everyone who filled out the survey…the responses are super helpful so far! And if you haven’t yet, it’s your last chance to do so here.:
Festival season, here we come! )
Recent articles from me
Why Sex Is So Good With the Men Who Don’t Treat You Right
It’s like peeing after a long car ride
4 Reasons You Shouldn’t Be Upset About Your Biological Clock
#4: You have all the power.
And two recent articles from the monogamish pub on Medium I thought were great
Is Mr. Right the Right Non-Monogamous Partner?
You might think you know what you’re looking for but stay open to surprises
Trying DADT and a Weekly Check-in
An experiment in respecting my partner’s limits and our time together
Hey Sarah. I'm really glad that you had a good time at the festival, and that your kiss later in the weekend was awesome. But, I'm not so into your take on this one.
I was also at the same festival and ran a workshop with men (and GNC) talking to other men (and GNC) about consent. The focus was on talking honestly, and self-critically about times that we've made women feel uncomfortable and discuss ways that we can be better men. While it sounds like that second kiss was mutually enjoyable, there are many cases where men read that same situation wrong and put women in uncomfortable situations by being too pushy -- I would assume that you yourself have felt that and that I'm not telling you anything new.
I actually commend the first person who asked consent and I wish more men started doing that. Did it take away some of the magic for you in that moment? It sounds like it, and that's a shame. But, I'd much prefer that to you or another woman feeling pressured into something you didn't want with a physical advance. I've gotten into the habit myself of asking permission for kisses and the feedback that I've gotten from a lot of the women is that they not only appreciate it, but find it sexy. And it's OK if you don't, but as a community let's please normalize men asking.