I wondered if it was a mistake,
When my right nipple was bleeding.
When he ripped off the scab with his suckling.
When a piercing pain pulsed through my whole breast every time I fed him, 8 to 10 times in a day, scab tearing off again and again and again.
In the hospital, when I was sleep deprived and weak but could not sleep more than one hour at a time because he was losing weight and I needed to feed him.
When he was crying, louder than imaginable, and we’d changed him and fed him and held him, and it still didn’t stop.
Throughout these moments, I wondered, What have I done? I finally understood when my friend with a few-week old once said “Don’t do it!”
But parent-friends assured me it would get easier. And it did. Not entirely because it actually got easier but because humans can get used to pretty much any sort of terrible circumstance and abuse.
So it’s gotten easier because I’ve gotten used to it.
But it has also gotten easier from more of an objective standpoint. At first, my little baby and I were like strangers to each other. I didn’t trust myself, and he didn’t trust me, partially because I didn’t trust myself. There was more crying, more how-the-hell-do-you-close-this-diaper-properly-so-it-doesn’t-leak, more physical and mental resistance to having to get up in the middle of the night, more pain in my breasts.
But now, after much encouragement from the midwives who visited me at my apartment in the days after I left the hospital (fully paid for by German public health insurance, thank you very much), my nipples are fully healed. In fact, nursing sometimes even feels kind of nice. Flo and I know how to change his diaper more easily so it doesn’t leak. We have a better understanding of what he needs and when.
But mostly, I think, there’s just more trust and love between my baby and me. There’s a primal understanding we share. My breasts start to engorge, he’s hungry, he starts to wine, I hold him.
Although it’s still crazy hard, it’s all doable. And no, I don’t regret my choice.
Putting on Xavier Rudd’s “Follow the Sun” or India Arie’s “Video” and dancing with him in my arms, gazing into each others eyes, watching him smile back at me. The way he lights up when I sing to him, This little light of mine… His smile is like crack—I’m so addicted to that face.
He’s such a “sweetie pie heart” as I call him (one term of endearment does not suffice), and I’m in love, yes “in love.”
There’s a romance to raising a child, more than I would have thought. The oxytocin, the desperate feeling, the constancy of him on my mind.
And even at the very beginning during those what. the. fuck. moments, I didn’t truly regret taking this path.
If only because I knew I just needed to know what this all was like. Maybe that sounds like a superficial reason to want to have a kid: curiosity, but I think it’s as good as any.
I wanted to take part in the circle of life, feel a connection to the humans and animals who came before me. To be an animal myself, a mammal to be exact. To grow life inside of me and feed from my body. I wanted to experience the all-powerful unconditional love only a parent can feel. However hard it was going to be, I knew I had to do it, I had to know what it was like, and I was braced for however difficult that might be.
There’s so much I could say about motherhood, but as I come back into the working world, this is all I wanted to leave you with.
Our little family is happy and healthy and we’re hanging in there.
What’s new with Monogamish?
And since it’s been a while, I wanted to update you on the newsletter in general.
First off, although I will talk about parenthood here and there, especially over the next month, since it’s fresh, this newsletter is still about non-monogamy, I promise.
Like before I went on leave, starting this month, there will be the advice column 2X per month for paying subscribers. In addition to that, the last Wed of every month the newsletter will be for paying subscribers only. If you want to support, you can become a member here.
Being away from work has made me realize how much I love my work. I’m happy to be back writing and coaching again. I have a few spots open for on-on-one coaching with me this spring. Learn more and book a free vision call with me here.
Love,
Sarah
P.S. Parenting really is a full-time job and it’s WILD some people do it without any parental leave or support. Support your parent friends in any way you can. <3
P.P.S. We call our little one “he,” but he’s free to let us know his pronouns or whatever gender he is when he’s ready. <3
Parenting is really hard. And I love that you reflected on this. I also love that you missed writing and your work. Most of us are never going to be “one thing.” We are a mommy but also a lover. A worker but also a slacker. We have duality in so many things.
I am happy reading your updates. Life marches on.
Sarah - so many congratulations on what you have achieved there !! I so clearly remember that whole diaper learning time with some amusement - after a very short while it all becomes so routine but to start it really does cause you to rethink humanity !! I hope you swiftly get back into your normal world stride....but with added responsibilities (and privileges)