*A quick reminder: On Tuesday, Oct 17 I’m hosting a webinar “What to do when jealousy strikes.” You're going to learn my best tools to handle jealousy in a healthy and mindful way, in the moment and beyond. Learn more.*
We’re back this week with the advice column! In this edition, one asker, married over 15 years with kids, wants to be non-monogamous but her husband won’t have it. She deliberates what to do.
Another asker’s sex life is dwindling with their partner. They wonder if the open relationship is to blame.
Our last asker doesn’t want to meet her metamour and is wondering if she is thus responsible for the tension in their constellation.
My husband won’t agree to CNM
I have recently (in the last year) discovered I'd like to be in a non-monogamous relationship. However I've been with my husband, monogamously, for over 15 years, we have kids and when I brought it up he doesn't want to consider it (he doesn't want sex with other people and doesn't really like the idea of me with others). We've talked about it off and on and his answer remains the same.
There's a few online people I know and chat with. Previous to the main incident that changed my views in addition to my currently very high libido, I had a very black and white view about my own cheating. Now...well I suppose that's what I'm doing and have accepted it's actually a huge grey area and not as black and white as I initially thought.
He has never told me I can't have sex with others (his words are he "doesn't own me") but has said if I do, I need to consider what this means and who I'll hurt. Which I think is fair but I think I'm feeling stifled sexually and that I can't bring the matter up any longer. I don't want to end our marriage for this, but I don't feel this is me any longer/right now. How do I navigate this?
Sincerely,
Stuck
Dear Stuck,
Your situation reminds of me when I was in college. I was in a relationship with my first-ever love, and for our sophomore year, we moved into a suite together with some mutual friends of ours.
At some point not long into the spring semester, I realized, however, that I didn’t want to be with him anymore.
I wanted to date around and explore college life as an irresponsible single sorority girl.
The problem was that we lived next door and had the same friend group.
So I really honest-to-god at the time felt like the best option for everyone involved was for me to just cheat. That way, I could have what I wanted, and no one needed to get hurt. Right?
And so that’s what I did for a month or two. Until we finally broke up.
In hindsight, I know I was way off. Of course, I had other options. Of course, assuming being dishonest “for his sake” was just the cowardly path. I didn’t need to compromise my integrity.
I could have been honest and one way or another, eventually everything would be fine. It would have been the best thing for me and have given him more time to move on and find someone who actually wants to be with him.
And so before I dive into your situation, I just want to say, that I feel a bit bad even comparing my situation as a 19-year-old with yours. I mean, I had zero responsibilities nor a legal commitment to my boyfriend at the time.
Whereas you are married with children (who are not necessarily, but likely, under the age of 15 if that’s how long you’ve been married).
There’s way more at stake for you.
That all said, I do know the value of being able to be who you are. To not hide. To be able to be clear about what you need in your life and vouch for that.
There’s a quote from the book More Than Two and it goes something like this; “Polyamory is not a privilege your partner extends to you.”
Yes, you agreed when you were married (I assume) to be with each other and only each other, but what does that truly mean?
Can that not change and morph over time?
It sounds like your partner is not going to give you “permission” to be with other men, but that does not mean that you have no right to seek that.
You’re entitled to live the life that you want.
And I know you have kids to think of. But who do you think is a better role model to them? Someone who hides in secrecy or someone who bravely stands up for themselves?
I’m not telling you to trample on your husband’s worries about you seeing other people. No, stay empathetic. Be there for him. Offer whatever you can to make him comfortable and move forward in peace.
But if this breaks you apart, know that it will have been both of your decisions, not just yours.
And I recommend you both read that book More Than Two if you haven’t already. To gain some understanding of what this world is: Not somewhere dark and seedy but somewhere light and full of integrity.
This is your only life. Wherever you go, step into the light.
How do we keep the flame going?
Hey! How do you keep sexuality in a relationship after the honeymoon is over?
In a monogamous relationship, people would work through it, but in an open relationship my partner just finds other people to be intimate with since it is not flowing between us that well. I find this to be the biggest problem in open relationships.
Sincerely,
Seeking Sexuality
Dear Seeking Sexuality,
Hey, thank you for sharing this because I think this is such an important question that all of us — including me — struggle with.