What's *really* causing your jealousy
Fern says jealousy is only a symptom of something bigger.
Most people out there feel extremely uncomfortable at the thought of their partner with someone else. It’s the main reason they don’t even want to imagine being non-monogamous.
And then there are people like me, who get jealous sometimes, but still see so much benefit in CNM relationships, that they pursue them anyway. The experience of freedom and underlying fulfillment that comes from this lifestyle makes it all worth it, even though that damned jealousy is still there.
That thorn in our bed of roses.
So we hope to dig that thorn out and then finally be free, happy, and at peace. We’ll have it all.
But is it misguided to focus on the thorn? Too small? Too specific?
To use another metaphor, if we find ourselves constantly coming down with fevers, we could keep taking Ibuprofen to get our temperature down.
But wouldn’t it make more sense to try to find the root cause of our illness? Like maybe we’re not exercising or we’re drinking late into the night multiple times per week. Maybe we should sort out the bigger issue, the real source of our pain instead of (or at least alongside) simply treating the uncomfortable symptoms.
In her newest book Polywise Jessica Fern posits that in non-monogamy, the root cause of our discomfort is not our jealousy. It’s the ideas and beliefs we inherit from the monogamous heteronormative culture we all live in. She writes:
“Rather than non-monogamy being the cause of relationship problems or endings, the problem has more to do with the difficulty of trying to make the square of the monogamous mindset fit into the round hole of nonmonogamous relationships. Many individuals are simply not aware of the ways that monogamous or couple-centric perspective continues to linger in the recesses of their minds and hearts.”
The root problem is that in our transition from monogamy to non-monogamy, we carry those same core beliefs about love and what it means to be in a relationship that we had before, hoping everything will just work out okay.
But according to Fern, that’s exactly where the tension lies, the jealousy, the frustration.
Dealing with this is not just about handling uncomfortable feelings like anxiety and anger that arise with jealousy, although learning these skills is important.
It’s about taking 10 steps back and asking yourself, What beliefs am I holding onto? And am I finding a way to dismantle them and replace them with something new?
Dismantle your beliefs.
So what are those beliefs, exactly?
Well, the big one to dismantle is the idea that as someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife or partner, you have some claim over them. That you are entitled to a certain amount of their time, energy, their sexual desire.
We’re not entitled to any of those things.
And the more I think of this, the more I realize that my frustration and jealousy often arise from the underlying belief somewhere deep down that I am. That him liking her or spending time with her is taking something from me. And it’s my right as his partner to take that back.
You may try to argue that it’s not the case for you. But I think it’s there more than we realize it is. In a long-term relationship, we all, non-monogamous or not, tend to think we have some sort of claim over our partners.
The other one is sex negativity. Particularly when it comes to sex between your partner and someone else.
For example, if I have an agreement with my partner that we don’t sleep with other people in our shared bed, because I believe that space is sacred. What is the underlying belief behind that agreement? Well, somewhere inside I probably believe that the sex between my partner and this other person is dirty, sullying the sanctitude of our sanctuary. Right?
I’ve noticed over the last couple of years often being of two minds. Intellectually, knowing love is bountiful and limitless, wanting my partner to be happy and experience joy in a romantic and sexual sense with other people.
Yet in my body, I feel threatened by the exact same idea.
Fake it until you are it.
So what do you do with all this information?
So how do you incorporate this knowledge that your old monogamous beliefs are still affecting you?
I haven’t gotten so far in the book to know what Fern would say. But what I suggest is when you want to take action to mitigate your jealousy, think twice about what that action is. If you make a request of your partner, think about what beliefs are underlying your assumption that it should be honored. And remind yourself of the following:
You are NOT entitled to your partner’s time or energy.
Love is beautiful, connection is beautiful, sex is beautiful. Even when your partner experiences those beautiful parts of life with someone other than you.
Ask yourself, if you were to really believe these two statements above, how would you act then? What would you ask for? What would you expect? Is this really the right move given those core beliefs?
I’m not saying you should get rid of all agreements based on core beliefs that you’d prefer to dismantle. But it’s just good to be aware of that fact that that’s what’s really guiding you.
Recognize the underlying beliefs behind the rules you make. If they go against the core tenets above, maybe consider an alternative.
We can spend our time trying to put out the fires of jealousy, but remedying the real gas leak, the start of our flames must start with truly believing something totally different about the way we love.
See the replay: Do you feel guilty for wanting to date others while partnered?
It was short and sweet and a lot of fun. If you missed it, you can check out my first-ever 20-Min Teach below.
Brilliant Sarah. Thank you for your insight and clarity. I particularly like the passage exposing what may be behind the sanctity of the marital bed!
Holding those 2 tenets is such a helpful way to frame this! Love is not pie, a partner giving love to others doesn’t not mean less for me. It is limitless! I’m going to refer to these 2 ideas often.