When you're playing second fiddle 🎻

Monogamish advice edition #15

In this week’s advice column, one asker wants to know what label to give themselves given their very unique position in the polycule.

Another asker has a partner who’s in a relationship with someone else, yet they may have to face a breakup if they try to date too. How do they handle this?

xx, Sarah

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Playing second fiddle

Hi. What are the terms used if someone is my main or primary partner but I’m not their primary partner? They have someone else who’s their primary partner.

Related to that, they act as if I’m their primary partner because their primary doesn’t have the same time to spend with them that I do. But I’m definitely the second fiddle in their sex positive poly orchestra. What is that called?

Sincerely,

Second Fiddle

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Just want to first say, I love the metaphor “sex positive poly orchestra.”

And to answer your question directly, what you are called in your orchestra is a goodle doodle. Now run along and go tell your friends.

Just kidding. I have no idea if there is a label for your position in this constellation. That said, I don’t want to end this answer here because I have a feeling there’s more to your question than you’re letting on. 

Reading between the lines a bit, I think what you’re really asking is: Is this normal?

One reason people like labels is that it normalizes their situation. It can feel like a relief to no know you’re not the only one in this position. There are many other goodle doodles out there just like you!

But in all seriousness, there probably are a lot of goodle doodles out there. But the more important question you should ask yourself is: regardless of whether it’s normal, are you okay with being in this position or not?

You said you are “playing second fiddle,” and as far as metaphors go, that has a somewhat negative connotation.

As someone’s primary partner in practice but not on paper, I can imagine that might make you feel a bit lonely or unappreciated.

So have a conversation about it with your partner. What would you like to be called? What would make you feel important and loved and safe?

You have a say in this too.

One suggestion, there are people who have more than one primary partner. The primary label doesn’t have to be exclusive.

Words and labels do carry weight and I think you should take that seriously because,  despite the lightness of this query, I think this matters to you more than you’re letting on.

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You can’t see other people, but I can

Okay, so my ex and I are still nesting partners half of the week. We own a house together that they live in, and I stay at an apt the rest of the time. They have another partner but I don’t.

I want to see other people, but they’ve said they’ll need to take more space from me if I do. Is that a reasonable boundary? I feel stuck :-/

Sincerely,

Stuck

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Let me get this straight. Your partner sees other people, but says they need to take space from if you see other people? 

Did you agree to be in a mono-poly relationship before you entered into it? Or did you both start out poly and now they expect you to be monogamous?