In this weekâs advice column, one asker wants to know what label to give themselves given their very unique position in the polycule.
Another asker has a partner whoâs in a relationship with someone else, yet they may have to face a breakup if they try to date too. How do they handle this?
xx, Sarah
Playing second fiddle
Hi. What are the terms used if someone is my main or primary partner but Iâm not their primary partner? They have someone else whoâs their primary partner.
Related to that, they act as if Iâm their primary partner because their primary doesnât have the same time to spend with them that I do. But Iâm definitely the second fiddle in their sex positive poly orchestra. What is that called?
Sincerely,
Second Fiddle
Just want to first say, I love the metaphor âsex positive poly orchestra.â
And to answer your question directly, what you are called in your orchestra is a goodle doodle. Now run along and go tell your friends.
Just kidding. I have no idea if there is a label for your position in this constellation. That said, I donât want to end this answer here because I have a feeling thereâs more to your question than youâre letting on.Â
Reading between the lines a bit, I think what youâre really asking is: Is this normal?
One reason people like labels is that it normalizes their situation. It can feel like a relief to no know youâre not the only one in this position. There are many other goodle doodles out there just like you!
I think what youâre really asking is: Is this normal?
But in all seriousness, there probably are a lot of goodle doodles out there. But the more important question you should ask yourself is: regardless of whether itâs normal, are you okay with being in this position or not?
You said you are âplaying second fiddle,â and as far as metaphors go, that has a somewhat negative connotation.
As someoneâs primary partner in practice but not on paper, I can imagine that might make you feel a bit lonely or unappreciated.
So have a conversation about it with your partner. What would you like to be called? What would make you feel important and loved and safe?
You have a say in this too.
One suggestion, there are people who have more than one primary partner. The primary label doesnât have to be exclusive.
Words and labels do carry weight and I think you should take that seriously because, despite the lightness of this query, I think this matters to you more than youâre letting on.
You canât see other people, but I can
Okay, so my ex and I are still nesting partners half of the week. We own a house together that they live in, and I stay at an apt the rest of the time. They have another partner but I donât.
I want to see other people, but theyâve said theyâll need to take more space from me if I do. Is that a reasonable boundary? I feel stuck :-/
Sincerely,
Stuck
Let me get this straight. Your partner sees other people, but says they need to take space from if you see other people?Â
Did you agree to be in a mono-poly relationship before you entered into it? Or did you both start out poly and now they expect you to be monogamous?