Will he ever be monogamous for me?

Monogamish advice, edition #11

In this week’s advice column, one asker is in the throes of NRE (new relationship energy) with a new flame. The only problem is they already have a partner and they’re worried about how it’s affecting their primary partnership.

Another asker has fallen for an “open relationship person” and is trying to figure out what to do about it, given they’re monogamous. 

Burning question? Ask away with this form.

<3

Sarah

NRE brain fog

What do I do when I’m falling in love with someone while having a prolonged primary partnership that I care a lot about? 

The chemicals make the new one so much more attractive and look all perfect and amazing, but I’ve been on this boat before, it’s just chemicals and I don’t trust my own vision/brain right now!

How to care for my relationship and do the right thing for me in the long run? How to stay balanced!!!

Sincerely,

Brain Fog

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Dear Brain Fog,

Ah yes, NRE, that beautiful devil.

The first thing I will say here is, good on you for even recognizing that that’s what this is: brain fog, dopamine, addiction, desire, want (oh god, yes I love it.)

You asked how to find balance, but honestly, you’re already halfway there.

The most important step is just knowing that this is a phase, and it does not mean you need to break up with your partner and run away with this other person.

You said you still care about your primary partner - that’s fantastic news.  

Take some time each week to make a conscious effort to remember that. Schedule a date night together where you do something fun and exciting as a pair.

Maybe the experience is still not quite as exciting as it is with your new boo, and maybe you’re thinking about the new person half of the time, but that’s okay, as long as the other half you’re focused on the person you love in front of you and the good parts about being with them. (One benefit may be feeling totally comfortable and relaxed in their presence in a way you might not yet with the new person).

It sounds like you’re committed to your partner. 

And you know what? That means you’re going to get through this.

Don’t feel guilty, don’t worry; your NRE is beautiful, and the bittersweet truth is it won’t last forever.

<3 <3

Sarah

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Will he ever be monogamous for me?

Hi Sarah! I just broke up with someone who feels like he is an open-relationship person. I was his first relationship and I'm monogamous, but we still wanted to give it a shot.

Since he was blabbering way too much about other hot women and that how it's in men’s nature to have sex with a lot of women to make them pregnant, I couldn't handle it after 12 days already.

That's when we concluded that it wouldn’t work out (even though the rest of the time seemed to be very hopeful).

He said that he might be monogamous in the future but also could be poly. He told me that in the past he had a lot of one night stands which he didn't enjoy. I was the first person he had sober sex with and it felt very vulnerable and harder for him to do.

Because of this, I felt like he might be confusing his anxieties with being an open relationship person, but when I asked him about it (if he is just having a hard time being vulnerable and connecting with me), he told me that he is just into open relationships and flirting with a lot of women at the moment.

He did tell me in our relationship that he has a hard time opening up and that he has never been opening up so much & is trying to see the bad things in me, but ending up liking me way too much. Also that dating and flirting with other women is a coping mechanism to feel accepted.

I still feel like he isn't seeing his own struggles & that being an open-relationship person is an excuse to avoid his struggles and being with me.

I know that I should let him go for now, but I'm still hoping so much that he really is monogamous and we'll come back together in the future when he notices his own problems. What do you think..? Thank you! (Sorry for my English, hope you understand me).

Sincerely, 

Hopeful Monogamist