A while back, my partner Flo told me about some issues he was having with the person he was seeing. Things weren’t going 100%.
I listened. I gave him a hug. I was empathetic.
But later that morning, as I cycled to my co-working space, I noticed a feeling that felt a bit icky, a rush of something…like satisfaction. Or maybe relief.
I was happy they weren’t totally happy.
What was going on?
It felt right but also wrong.
Was it that I wanted them to go down in flames? So that I suddenly wouldn’t have to “deal” with them dating anymore. So I could be jealous less often or have more of his time for me? Or was it something else?
After reflecting on it, I realized my schadenfreude was not necessarily in anticipation of them splitting up.
It was more that in the wake of their problems, our problems suddenly didn’t seem so problematic anymore.
It’s all relative.
See, at that time, Flo and I had just come out of a period where we were arguing more than usual.
So knowing they also could be having issues highlighted that: well, this is all normal.
See, I’m not the only one he disagrees with sometimes. It’s not just me.
It’s him, it’s his fault! Ha, just kidding. It’s us. It’s everyone. It’s being human. That’s just the way it goes.
And actually, when I realized that that is the main reason I felt some relief to hear about their problems, I stopped judging myself for it.
We all want to know we’re normal. That we’re not the only ones that sometimes struggle in our relationships.
Those naughty feelings
I think we often fear the feelings we’d rather not feel.
Whether it’s anxiety when we want to be joyful or discomfort at the thought of our partner happy with someone else or, as in my case, happy feelings at the thought of them struggling.
And I want you to know, those feelings you think you don’t want to feel are often the ones you should explore the most. The ones, as you feel them bubbling up, you want to push down, the ones you most want to resist, are actually the ones you need to dig deeper into. They will uncover something about yourself you didn’t know before.
Understanding them fully will give you a sense of freedom from them and peace.
Because when you dig deeper, you realize there was really nothing to fear.
That you’re not really weak, or broken, or a shit person.
No, you’re just human. Ultimately, you still want to be good, and you’re just trying your best.
some saturday morning pancakes w Flo <3
Such a cool Spirit ! 😎
You are so in tune with your emotions.