When transitioning to non-monogamy, first release the pressure
I want to tell you a quick story. It’s one you may already know, but the point I want to make at the end will be new.
Six years ago, I started thinking seriously about wanting children. At 28, I realized I needed to start making that a priority if I wanted to make it happen before it was “too late.”
I tried to make it work with one other person (it didn’t) before meeting Flo.
Not long after Flo and I started dating, I told him that I wanted to have a kid in the next one to two years. If he didn’t want to be the person to do it with me, I warned him, I would prioritize other people that would.
So from the very beginning of our relationship, the pressure was on.
At age 27, he had no immediate plans of his own to be a father, but he understood my side and was also down to keep dating and see what might happen.
I tried to keep things light between us since it didn’t seem he was ready, but a year or so later, a year into the pandemic, we couldn’t avoid becoming more and more attached. So I brought up the topic again.
“How are you feeling about the idea of having kids together now,” I asked. He seemed to have warmed up to the concept. It wasn’t a full-bodied yes, but it was something like a “Probably. I’d let to get to know you better first.” I let myself get excited about this possibility.
But then months later, his hesitation resurfaced. He said he wasn’t sure anymore.
I was crushed. Once again, now at age 32, I didn’t know how the hell I was going to make my dreams come true. And it was hard to not take it all personally. Why were all my friends finding partners to have kids with but I couldn’t? What was wrong with me?
I told him how I was feeling. Which I think was the right thing to do because I didn’t want to hold it inside. But this of course also had the effect of turning the pressure up even higher. He felt responsible for my malaise.
Feeling that tension, feeling that this wasn’t good for either of us, I decided I would have to just cut him out of the equation completely. I could do this on my own.
I asked several friends of mine what they would think about being sperm donors and awesomely, one good gay friend of mine agreed to it.
I was on the right track, I was going to make my dreams happen, and it didn’t need to be in the traditional way I’d originally imagined.
Even though throughout this time, Flo expressed that he still wasn’t sure and was still deciding, I didn’t want to fall into that trap again, feeling hopeful and then disappointed.
I could depend on his support and his love and his companionship, but I couldn’t depend on him for this.
And then last fall, I met Sal. And that’s when everything really changed. He wanted to be a parent too and of his own accord. We decided to get to know each other better with the ultimate goal of seeing if we would be a good fit to raise a child together as co-parents.
We met regularly for several weeks and hung out as friends, discussing the particulars. It seemed like this might really work out. Suddenly Sal had become a priority in my life too.
I was more excited than ever about having a kid because I knew I would have the support that I wanted. I knew my kid would have a father.
I could have done it alone too—I know that—but this felt like a much safer option. Two incomes instead of one, four hands instead of two.
Everything became clear. This was the way for me.
And then, only then, did Flo step in and say, Stop! Sarah, I want to be the one to do this with you. I’m sure now.
And at that point, it became my decision — not his. All of a sudden, I had two fathers to choose from instead of none.
After some thought and conversations with mother friends, I chose the one I knew and loved and trusted already. And one year later, here I sit, seven months pregnant with our child. And I think he might be even more excited than I am.
Why am I telling this story now?
Well, it’s a pretty epic story, but not only that, I think it applies to what a lot of people I talk to out there are going through. Specifically, those wanting to open up their relationships.
Release the valve.
Flo felt pressure from me from the start to want the same thing as I did. To be ready for a kid.
But he wasn’t.
And he didn’t want to make this extremely important life-changing decision because it was something that I wanted. He wanted it to be something he wanted too.
And I also knew deep inside that I wanted his decision to have kids not to be the result of succumbing to my pressure. I wanted him to feel just as responsible for the decision and in turn, just as responsible for the consequences of that decision —the diapers, the screams, the responsibility — as I was.
But he could only truly make that decision for himself with a clear head and heart when he felt the pressure was finally really off. When he was in a place where he knew I wasn’t depending on him anymore to be that person —and I really wasn’t—only from that place could he reflect on a deeper level and make the decision that was right for him.
How does this relate to non-monogamy?
Well, I argue that only from a similar place, without the pressure of your partner weighing down on you, can you truly embrace non-monogamy for yourself and your relationship.
I’m seeing this pattern with clients of mine. The ones who feel pressure from their partners to “be a certain way” or “feel a certain way” have a much harder time in their relationships during this transition or possible transition than do the people whose partners have told them “Hey, this is something I want, but I respect where you are too.”
The people whose partners come from this place of support and non-judgment and understanding are much more ready and willing to consider this option from a healthy state of mind.
Only coming from a place of limited or no pressure, can someone say, Maybe non-monogamy doesn’t have to be all that scary. Only from that place, can they wonder with curiosity, How could opening up actually benefit me too?
They believe their partner accepts and understands their desire to be monogamous and that their needs and wants are just as valid. And that’s the key attitude both parties need to have if they ever want to have a chance of making it out of this huge transition in a healthy thriving way.
This is what coach and author Evita Sawyers and I are going to dive more deeply into on Tuesday in a webinar.
How to break into non-monogamy from a monogamous partnership.
We’re going to give you our best tips to:
Figure out if and why being non-monogamous is important to you.
How to actually communicate this to your partner and the people you love in an empathetic way
Share experiences from our personal lives and as coaches as well as address questions from you, the audience, about your most burning concerns on the matter.
The finer details:
When: Next Tuesday, Nov 21
Time: 12pm EST (recording available if you can’t make it live)
Cost: $24
Duration: 1 hr + Q&A
Save your spot and learn more below: