With Eric, the man I’ve been dating the last months alongside my primary partner Flo, it’s been very hit or miss. Either the sex is incredible or it really falls flat in an extreme way.
And I think I know why.
See, I realized that when the sex is really good, it’s often been after a night of drinking and/or smoking and/or doing other stuff. Whereas when it has fallen flat, I’ve been relatively sober.
And the last time we hung out, even though I’d had a beer before, I was feeling really more guarded than usual.
And I’m quite sure it had to do with the fact that Flo and I had had a fight that previous weekend. I won’t get into the details of the fight, but it gave me a scare.
So by the time I saw Eric later in the week, I still hadn’t completely gotten over it.
I believe there’s a large part of my subconscious that thinks what I’m doing is all wrong. That it’s like, wait, you have a boyfriend — this is not supposed to happen.
You’re risking your relationship. Primal panic! Stop! Alert! Weeeeewooooweeeewooooweeeooo.
And the only way I have found to quiet that voice is through the use of mind-altering substances.
See the thing is, pleasure cannot happen without safety. That is the prerequisite for sexual pleasure or any type of pleasure. If you feel unsafe, threatened in some way, it’s just not going to happen.
You’re not going to enjoy yourself.
And just as I’d written about last week, it’s one thing to know you don’t need to feel ashamed of sexual pleasure, that everyone’s okay and no one is going to get hurt, it’s quite another to actually feel that in your body, to actually feel in all parts of your being that it’s true.
And so, I don’t really know how to heal this part of me. How to make sure it knows it’s safe and that it’s all okay.
And I think in some ways, it has a point. Things maybe should be rock solid with my primary partner before doing anything with other people.
I’m not sure exactly how to go about fixing this, or where to go from here, but I hope just being aware of it is a start.
Polyamory is okay. This is okay. Everyone consents. Everyone can have fun.
New mantra perhaps?
<3
Sarah
Articles this week
Your Relationship Doesn’t Need To “Go” Anywhere
Sex need not be a step on the relationship escalator or bust.
Me at the park again with my falafel and another new friend, who I think was most interested in the falafel (Can you spot him) <3
Yes, you really do have to let go completely, lose all those sub-conscious morality lessons that you grew up being indoctrinated with. Both of you.