I was hosting a conflict resolution workshop recently at a festival, and a participant, let’s call her Linda, told us about a conflict she’d recently had. It’s something that happens often when couples fight. (Or children or anyone for that matter.)
And it has to do with not getting to the real point. I’m guilty of it — I think all of us are sometimes.
What happened in the situation was the following:
Linda’s partner Keith had gone on a date with another woman. The next day, Linda and Keith were hanging out at her place, and she asked him how the date went.
He told her about what they did together and that they’d had a good time.
“So,” Linda asked, “What’s her name?”
He paused. “Why do you need to know that?”
“Because I want to know…”
“Okay, well it’s not really important.”
“But I’m your partner. And it’s just her name. Why would you keep that from me?”
This goes on for a while, and Keith doesn’t end up telling her his date’s name. They both leave the conversation angry, and the fact that Linda brought this up in a workshop leads me to believe that it’s still a sore subject.
This is a prime example of an unproductive conversation.
On the surface, one person wants to know someone’s name and the other person doesn’t want to tell it. But that’s not really what’s important to either of them.
Neither person ever actually takes a moment to reflect on what’s beneath their stated desires.
Resolve the conflict with NVC
In order to move forward from the disagreement, it’s important to start out by acknowledging that there are two sides to this story. And we need to give each side space.
So let’s start with Linda’s side and use Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to help her communicate her problem.
These are the steps for NVC: Observations, feelings, needs, requests. Remembering these have helped me immensely in my own relationships.
1. Say what happened. (Observation)
In this first step, all we have to do is say, as objectively as possible, what we observed that triggered the emotions within us.
Linda could say “Yesterday when you were telling me about your date, and I asked you to share her name with me, you didn’t.” An alien from outer space could see this. There is no judgment or evaluation happening here.
As is also true of the next two steps, in this step, there are no assumptions or judgments being made about the other person’s intentions or feelings.
2. Tell ‘em how you feel! (Feelings)
Next— and I believe this is the most important step of all — you share the feelings that came up when what you observed happened. Linda could say “When you wouldn’t share her name, I felt angry. I also felt insecure about our relationship.”
This is where you call forward vulnerability and empathy. You open up a portal to your heart without blaming your partner. This will help them feel empathy towards you.
You also take responsibility for your own feelings.
Even though your partner’s actions may have triggered your feelings, it doesn’t mean it’s their fault you felt them.
3. Figure out what you need. (Needs)
This part was the most tricky for me to learn. What do you need in your life to feel safe and happy? A lot of people don’t know this off the top of their heads. But think Maslow’s hierarchy. What need feels threatened because of this situation?
Linda might say “I need a sense of security and a sense of specialness in my love life.”
4. Tell them how they can help you get there. (Requests)
Next, you ask your partner to do something that might help you get your needs met. And this is the first time you involve the other person.
For example, you might ask the following, Can you help me better understand why you don’t want to tell me her name? Can you reassure me that I’m still the priority for you in this relationship? Can we have a bigger conversation about what details we are comfortable sharing with each other?
Often this is just a request for more communication. Figure out, what can get you closer to fulfilling your needs and ultimately feeling secure and happy again.
The heart of the matter
We all know this argument here is not really about needing to know this person’s name. It’s not as if with that information, Linda will, all of a sudden, relax and move on with her day.
That’s why it’s so important to get to the heart of the question. Which probably has more to do with feeling prioritized, and wanting to be in the know when it comes to her partner.
Now how would you have the conversation from Keith’s side? After he has listened, understood, and empathized with Linda’s perspective, here’s an example of what Keith might say.
When you asked me my date’s name (observation), I felt worried (feeling). Privacy is really important to me, not just my own but that of anyone I’m dating (need). Can you help me understand why it’s important to you that I share her name? Is there anything I can do to make you feel secure without sharing that info? Can you assure me if I give you her name, you won’t ask for any other information about her identity? (Request)
We might think not sharing a first name is ridiculous. But for Keith, it’s not about that either.
No — as someone pointed out in the workshop — maybe it starts with a name. But then what’s next? Where she lives? Her cup size?
It’s about privacy. It’s about autonomy. It’s part of a larger discussion about what’s important to share and what isn’t. (Or possibly, he’s dating someone else Linda knows and doesn’t want to tell her?!?! But that’s another story.)
This stuff works
Following these steps may seem onerous, but throughout this process, you are actually learning about each other, understanding, and being understood, which is hugely important in any relationship and for our individual well-being as humans.
You’re also moving forward from the conflict together, as opposed to letting the feelings sit and fester, building resentment.
NVC is a great tool to help you figure this all out.
There’s a lot more to it than this. If you want more guidance and examples, you can check out my webinar, How to get across what you want in non-monogamy, which helps you go through these steps using some real-life examples. Also, pick up the book Nonviolent Communication!
<3
Sarah
How to find joy when your partner’s on a date with someone else
Yesterday’s interview/presentation with Dr. Marie Thouin: “How to find joy when your partner’s on a date with someone else” went awesomely! It was beautiful and deep and enlightening, and the questions and experiences shared by the audience made it even better.
If you missed it, you can still get the replay here.
Thanks for sharing this text. <3
Is joy at the luck of a friend known as compersion?