Last week, I went out on a proper date with Eric (the guy I met at a festival several weeks back).
At the restaurant, I enjoyed watching him eat pasta on the other side of the table. Hearing him talk about his life so far in Berlin, sometimes somewhat nervously (that was cute.) And then later at a bar, his body close to mine as he explained the significance of his tattoos.
There we talked a little a bit about polyamory. He seemed intrigued by the idea of it but definitely not sold. Although he is dating a few other women at the moment.
I asked him if he wanted another drink and he said noâthat he was done with alcohol for the night.
I took that as a sign. âWant to come home with me?â I asked. Yes, he did.
My place
We started to make out on my bed. It was good.
But then, he started to touch other body parts. And thatâs where the fun kind of ended.
I noticed I was in my head a lot.Â
I SO BADLY wanted to have wild uninhibited sex with him. Sort of like a continuation of the passion Iâd felt in his tent with him at the festival.
But here in my room, it didnât feel the same. I didnât desire him as I had before. And I didnât want to have sex without that desire.
If Iâm not totally lit up, then itâs going to feel just okay. Yes, maybe it will be tolerable. And yes, maybe heâll come. But it wonât be super nice for me. And then it will be over.
But I just donât want to do that anymore.
Iâm done with mediocre sex.
Iâm done having sex out of expectation or to please a man.
So we just went back to making out and eventually I told him I wasnât so much feeling it (even though Iâm really into him!), and he was cool with that. And we went to sleep.
And so it didnât end as Iâd wanted it to.
But Iâm kind of proud of myself for not doing what I may have done even a year ago. Having penetrative sex when Iâm not really yearning for it.
You canât reason with eros.
I don't know whatâs going on with me internally. But what I do know, it wasnât right that night. And I got to listen to that part of me.
Fighting it will make it worse.
I have to give myself time and honor those feelings (or lack thereof). Regardless of where they come from.
And I will likely see Eric again soonâŠ
<3
Sarah
A least, ice cream always tastes good
Stuff this week
An interview about non-monogamy on an Australian news station I caught on @polyphiliablogâs Instagram. Well said, sister!
And an article from me:
Fantastic Spokesperson for monogamish - a must see interview.