Trouble in someone else’s paradise

Monogamish advice edition #3

Here you have it, edition #3 of the advice column! If you are a free subscriber, this is just a preview (but I hope it will be valuable anyway).

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Dear Monogamish, 

Hi! My partner and his nesting partner are going through relationship troubles. I want to support my partner and metamour but also respect their privacy. The problem is that it’s bleeding into my relationship. What do I doooooooo? TIA!

Best,

Supportive Metamour 

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Dear Supportive Metamour,

I totally hear you on this one. Your partner, let’s call him Sean and his partner, let’s call them Taylor, are not doing well. That must be super tough for him especially since they live together.

There’s no way you can avoid this having some effect on you and your relationship with Sean.

It’s great that you want to be supportive.

What I hear, however, is that their problems are spilling into your relationship in a way that is hurting you. You use the word “bleed” so I can’t help but imagine him coming over to your place bleeding out on your floor.

First question to consider: What exactly is bothering you?

Is it that he meets you on date and immediately starts telling you how sad he is that Taylor said this or that?

Is it that he has had to cancel on you last minute because of a fight?

Is he asking you for more of your support than usual, and you don’t have the capacity to give it to him?

You said you want to respect his privacy, which I take to mean that maybe you want to offer advice to smooth things out between them but don’t feel it’s your place. Maybe this makes you feel uncomfortable.

Whatever the behavior is that feels like it is blood on your floor, identify that. Write it down, journal about it, and describe how it makes you feel.

And brainstorm what he can do to help you feel comfortable again.

Maybe you can agree to have a specific container of time during which you two talk about his other relationship (say one hour, every time you meet), and outside that time, you do your best to focus on each other.

Maybe you take a break from seeing each other for a bit until he figures out what he needs on his own.

Maybe you ask him if it’s okay to give him more advice.

Come to him with your feelings (frustrated, worried, tired) as well as the positive request.

I also want to take a second here to mention a piece of advice that’s more for your partner than for you, which I heard at a polyamory talk a while back.