The shiny new partner vs. the established

This week, I’m answering two that questions are basically different sides of the same coin.

One person struggles comparing themselves to the established partner of 5 years while the other deals with a partner who struggles comparing themselves to the shiny new partner.

Let’s take a closer look..

This is a preview of the advice column for free subscribers. Support this work and read the whole thing by upgrading to paid. <3

---

Hey, I’m new to a poly relationship and feel like I’ll never reach the level of intimacy, trust, and love that my partner has with his gf of 5 years. I told him how I feel and he didn’t really reply and just acknowledged my feelings. I really wish to be as important.

---

I can imagine how this all feels disheartening to you, somewhat hopeless.

It seems that you see your partner and his girlfriend on some podium or shelf high above you. Whereas you and your relationship with your partner are somewhere down below just vying for a spot on the same shelf, a shelf that seems impossible to surmount. A shelf that can clearly only hold two people at once.

How do you get all the way up there? How? She has five years on you. And no matter what you do, she’ll have five years on you.

I think you’re reflecting what a lot of people feel in non-monogamy: the desire to be “as good” as someone else. It’s where a lot of jealousy stems from.

And I haven’t had the exact same experience as you, but I can kind of relate. When I first dove into polyamory almost a decade ago, I started dating a guy with 3 partners.

Because I would soon be leaving the country to travel the world, I didn’t expect it to “go anywhere” anyway. Yet as our connection became more real, I started to think about “Would I ever be good enough to be knighted ‘Partner’ too? Right now I was just a ‘girl he was dating.’ But was I worthy enough to be more? Could I be one of the golden 3 or maybe #4?”

It was something in the back of my mind even though it wasn’t even relevant. So I can imagine in your situation where it feels more relevant, this feeling is even stronger.

And I think it reflects the “pick me” culture we all live in. As women (which you may or may not be but let’s just go with it for argument’s saying), we are trained to be alluring for men. To dress up and wear makeup and look pretty so we can be “chosen” by the opposite sex.

There’s always this social pressure (whether it’s what we want or not) to be called someone’s “girlfriend,” to be someone’s bride, to be “good enough” to be chosen. And that “good enough” is in the eye of the male beholder.

But this is nonsense I say! [Spits on the floor].

We do not have to play this game. You do not have to play this game.

I understand that it’s easier said than done. But what I ask of you is this: Try to see it differently.

Before you start getting your spidey fingers out and trying to climb walls and shit to reach their shelf, can you think of a different way you might be able to paint this picture?

Yes they have been together five years. Time does allow people to build trust and intimacy. I’m not sure how long you’ve been dating each other, but if it’s only been a few months for example, you’re right in that this time difference matters.

Building deep trust and understanding can take a year at least.

What’s most important to remember is this: Wherever you are right now, you have the potential to build enormous trust and intimacy with this person if that’s what you both want.

The question is only: Is that what you both want? And are you willing to work for it?

You say you want to feel “as important” as his girlfriend. What does being “as important” look like practically? If you were as important, how would you know it? Is it having more time with him, more commitment, planning a future together?

Check out the non-escalator relationship menu to figure out what especially you want and he can do the same. Maybe you’re compatible, maybe you’re not.

If you think you are, your visions are mostly in line with one another’s (at least the most important pieces), is there any way to not see them as a level up and simply on a totally different path altogether?

Also remember you have know idea what skeletons are hiding in their closet, the baggage your partner and his girlfriend share. I promise, there’s probably some heavy shit there too. Being in a long-term relationship is also not always rainbows and ponies.

So don’t try to be like them. You have the chance at a fresh start, a brand new connection.

Only you have that ability. Rejoice in that newness. Lucky you!

---

My longtime nesting partner is struggling with me having another sweetie. She had encouraged me to pursue polyamory again (after a difficult start a few years ago.)

It’s hard to figure out what I want with the new person because I see my partner’s pain.

Tips?

---

It can be really confusing when you are starting out polyamory, excited about someone new, and at the same time, the person you love is struggling and thus your relationship is suffering too.

It’s a shitty place to be in. As shitty as it is for your partner, it’s also shitty for you. That needs to be said.

Over a year into being non-monogamous with my current partner, I met someone else I really liked for the first time since we started dating. He was the first guy I wanted to sleep with.

It was fun, exciting, scary!

But it wasn’t easy for any of us. I didn’t really know how to be both a good partner and a good potential partner to this new guy.

It seemed like any effort I made to prioritize this new person meant de-prioritizing my partner somehow.

The thing is, without really naming it, my partner and I were in a hierarchical relationship. He and his needs were the clear priority and vice versa. In hindsight, I realized what I was trying to do the whole time was shower this new person with attention and affection etc. as much as I could to make up for the fact that he wasn’t my primary and never would be.

It was heart-wrenching.