The agony of being limited

The pivot partner’s dilemma

Couples in non-monogamous relationships face a common conflict: balancing one partner’s need for freedom or variety with another partner’s need for safety and security.

One person, maybe the more extroverted of the two, is out and about trying to get dates and “act” on their non-monogamy. While the other, although they’ve agreed to the arrangement, is freaking the f*ck out. 

What if he likes him better than he likes me? What if they’re better in bed? What’s happening?! Why did I agree to this?!

The more one partner dates or even wants to date (in a search for freedom), the more insecure the other may feel, and the more they may want to limit their partner (in a search for safety).

Hence the battle.

Freedom vs. safety

When thinking about this conflict, one might argue that the person feeling insecure is the one we should be more concerned about. 

That person’s need for safety could be more urgent than the other’s need for freedom.

After all, safety is one of our most basic needs. You won’t even really feel motivated to pursue higher-level needs like variety and spontaneity unless you first feel safe.

And as humans, one of the most social of beings, much of that safe feeling is dependent on our feeling secure in our connections with others.  

Wanting variety, in comparison, may seem just like a nice extra bonus.

And there’s truth in this point.

But to whittle down a person’s desire to date to a fleeting lust for variety is not telling the whole story either. 

First off, the need for freedom should be taken seriously too. Secondly, maybe freedom and variety are not the only needs here at play.

The pivot partner’s inner turmoil 

Say you’re in a non-monogamous relationship, and it’s something you’ve been wanting for a long time. After months or even years, your partner has finally decided to give you the green light.

So you go out and try to meet someone.

It’s hard because, well, dating is hard. You get ghosted several times on apps. Then you get ghosted in real life. Time goes by and finally, after maybe a year of throwing shit against a wall, something sticks. Ding ding ding. You meet someone you truly like. And they like you too.

You really want to make it all work.

We all know how having a big crush feels.  That alone is scary. All of a sudden you have something you like that you may lose.

Sure you already have a partner and you’re happy and maybe that means there’s less at stake in this whole dating process than if you were single.

But it doesn’t feel that different.

First of all, there are fewer polyamorous fish in the sea, so it’s not like, if this doesn’t work out, someone compatible in their relationship orientation is right around the corner.

Plus, nothing’s as simple as it was in non-monogamy. You have a partner whose needs you also have to attend to.

As your insecure partner pulls you in one direction, this new person pulls you in another.

You want to be responsible and sensitive to your partner’s needs, but you also want to stand up for yourself and your own needs in the process. (And what are your needs again?)

Furthermore, you also want to do whatever you need to do so that your new flame will stick around.

You have to constantly worry: What if just as things are getting good, your partner totally shuts down and tells you they want you to end this new fling? What do you do then?

All of this is exciting on the one hand — you're flooded with dopamine and butterflies are flying around in your belly — but on the other hand, you also recognize you’re not totally yourself and you’re terrified of losing everything.

Your sense of security here may also shift. Your stability, your safety, your mental map, your sense of morality. Poof.

Coming from monogamy, a lot of people find it easy to empathize with the person who may feel left behind, the one just wanting some security and asking their partner to hold back a bit.

I don’t want to downplay the magnitude of what this partner may feel.

But I do think it’s important to note that from the other side, there are also a lot of confusing and difficult emotions at play.

So what can you do about it?

A friend and colleague of mine Shai Fishman says polyamory is like the Olympics of dating. 

We don’t have any scripts to go by. We just kind of have to use our instincts, our best judgments, our compassion, and our own sense of boundaries to decide how to move forward.

To do it empathetically and ethically and in a way that keeps everyone somewhat emotionally stable, you need to be able to pause, you need to be able to be with your feelings, and you need to be able to see past the dopamine flooding your brain.

You need to be able to journal and reflect. You need to learn how to communicate. 

And most of all, you need to get some real-life experience. 

I’ve heard queer people say that dating after coming out is like starting to date at age 15 all over again. The same applies to non-monogamy.

Yes, you can study how to do this right and it helps, but really, like everything, it just takes time to learn how to do it like not a mad person. Once you begin practicing these skills, and you encounter these situations for the second time or the third time, it all becomes a lot less overwhelming than I’ve just made it sound.

Non-monogamy can be complicated, scary, and earth-shaking, but it’s also beautiful, and I don’t know about you, but I’m someone who personally likes it when my earth shakes every once in a while.

Know what I mean?

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Do you want more excitement and adventure in your romantic life?

Do you want to grow through connecting intimately with more than one person?

I’m going to work with a handful of private coaching clients this Fall who want to spread their wings and break into the vast jungle of non-monogamy.

If you are:

• Feeling stuck or restless in your current relationship or dating life

• Having trouble identifying your desires and needs

• Having difficulty communicating them to the people they apply to

Book a free 20-min vision call here.

<3 Sarah

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Flo and I were at a wedding last weekend in Bavaria (one of his university friends got married). It was hot and delicious (in the literal sense). Mmm käsespätzle (basically German mac & cheese).

And no, I will not apologize for our shoes. It’s Germany, land of the free.