I want to ask you to use your imagination for a moment.
Pretend you know nothing about non-monogamy (this part’s important). You’re scrolling through your favorite social media platform, and then, all of a sudden, you see this woman dancing to Depeche Mode.
And in the foreground of her dance moves, text appears, which is advice on how to self-soothe when your partner’s on a date with another woman.
You notice that nearly 8,000 people have liked this video.
Can you picture it? How would you react?
If you didn’t know what’s what, I’m guessing you would be outraged. The me of 10 years ago would have also been outraged. She would have thought, “This person’s boyfriend is cheating on her and she’s telling people to do something other than to break up with the deadbeat? This woman is delusional. How f*cked up.”
And that is, essentially, what many of the over 1,000 comments on this video say.
For some reason, unlike my other videos, this one reached the masses. And when I say the masses, I mean a hell of a lot of people who have absolutely no context for this message.
And people are up in arms. Understandably.
By posting this video, I basically handed them a rock, stood there naked with my hands behind my head. And, in response, hundreds of people threw hardballs of condescension, ignorance, and hate at me.
It’s been a whirlwind, going on Instagram the last few weeks. The worst part is the people who have made these comments know nothing about who I am or what my life is really like. And it’s infuriating, partially because there’s no way I can respond effectively to all these people.
That said, over the past week, I’ve been coming to accept that this is just how it is.
And part of that acceptance has involved thinking about why these people are saying what they’re saying in the first place.
Do pain and love go together?
Hence the subject of this email you are reading right now. One person bought up an important point related to this question. At the end of the video, I say, “Life is not about avoiding pain, it’s about choosing pain that’s meaningful to you.”
In response to this, one person said: “I’ve been in therapy for years trying to uncouple pain and love. They don’t go together, this message is dangerous.”
And that struck a nerve with me.
It reminded me of the fact that some people may have a particularly difficult time distinguishing between pain that is productive and that which is damaging.
Why? I can’t know for sure. But one reason may be that they’ve been abused, emotionally or physically, by a loved one. Maybe their parents. So that dynamic: pain then love, then pain then love, started to feel normal, comfortable even.
And so some people may unconsciously seek this unhealthy relationship dynamic as adults.
In this case, my message might be triggering, and I can empathize with that.
What makes it even more confusing, is that sometimes this abuse occurs within the context of “polyamory.” There are people who emotionally manipulate their partners into being non-monogamous even though it’s not really what they want.
That said, the pain I’m talking about in my video is fundamentally different than this type of abusive pain.
Healthy vs. unhealthy pain
The pain I feel sometimes because of jealousy is one I have actively chosen. I’ve decided I want to be non-monogamous with the adult understanding that this type of pain will probably emerge.
And I’ve chosen this not because that pain is a necessary part of being loved —I know very well that I can be loved without this type of pain—but because ultimately, this pain comes from my partner enjoying his life.
And being able to endure that pain feels meaningful to me.
Here the pain is in support of beautiful things, like love, lust, and connection. Whereas in the case of abuse, enduring that pain is in support of something that’s unhealthy from all sides. (Abusers are also practicing an unhealthy dynamic by abusing loved ones.)
Futhermore, I see it as a personal challenge to find peace within myself while my partner is on a date. I see it as a call to minimize the importance of needing to be number one out of a sense of competitiveness. I see it as an invitation to see the world as abundant and full of love, as opposed to scarce.
And here, I’m courageously acting out of curiosity, love, and opportunity, not out of fear.
That’s the big difference.
You can’t help everyone.
What else did I learn from this experience beyond developing my understanding of what meaningful pain is? Another lesson is, you can’t speak to everyone at once.
Some people find your content with the intention to soak it in.
Others come intending to throw the rock I just handed them.
So even though it’s hard to accept that these people are just there amplifying each other’s ignorance at my expense, I need to just let go of these rock throwers. Not because they’re a lost cause, but because my effort to make a case is just not worth the energy I have to spend in order to do it.
In the end, they’re not who I create content for.
I do this for the people who come to my webinars and workshops, those I coach, the people who click follow, and for you, reading this newsletter. You, who may be just curious about non-monogamy and want to know how it might inform your relationships (future or present), or for you, the one who’s on this journey with me and simply wants to feel less alone.
I appreciate YOU so much.
And it’s just a reminder, we have a long way to go.
Sending you warmest regards, and sitting with you in this shade. Thank you for sharing yourself, for walking your emerging path and welcoming others to seek and walk theirs in company with you. Keep writing about it all. So many thanks.
(I'm fully subscribed now. I hope those folks in the comments find people that inspire them, make their day and make them feel whole as you have so many of us. )
Thank you Sarah for sharing with the world who you are and what you believe in to help others in their path. Even when you are getting thrown stones at, you resist and choose love. You are not alone and are making a difference. Keep going :)