Welcome to the 50th ever advice column! 🥳 In this week’s, we’ve got:
Tips for getting ghosted by a partner. I’ve also been very frustrated with this of late.
What to do when you really like *this one person* but that’s also *the one person* your partner doesn’t want you to date? Excruciating.
And lastly, what happens when your partner’s other partner (aka your metamour) is not comfortable with you getting closer to your partner?
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Now the advice column…
Tips for getting over being ghosted by a parter? It’s been so psychologically damaging.
God, I feel you man. When I say I feel you, I feel you!
I can’t say I was recently ghosted by a partner, but I’m frequently finding myself dating men who are just taking forever to get back to me.
And it really kills me.
The thing is, it doesn’t take me long to get fixated on someone I’m very into. When I fall, I fall fast.
This is what keeps happening: we’re communicating regularly, we go on a date, we get intimate, and I have a blast. Then, they’re text game falls off hard, and I’m left panting for more. And confused. Like what? I’m thinking about you all the time. How is that you haven’t answered me for days?
Which makes me feel like they don’t give a shit. Or at least that the desire is very uneven.
I wonder, Why?? WHY can’t they be just a little bit obsessed with me too? I’m amazing. Can’t they see that?
Because this has happened a few times, I’ve also wondered, Am I the real problem here?
When I talked to my partner about it, he said, “Well you barely know each other, maybe you could just be patient.”
And I was like…..yeah…maybe you’re on to something.
But in my experience dating my whole life, there wasn’t this question: Is he just not responding for now and I should be patient OR is this a lost cause?
And if there ever was a question of how much he was into me, the question itself led me to the answer: not enough.
Whenever I’ve dated guys where there was the potential for something to grow, there was no question that they really liked me somehow.
Yes, maybe I fall faster than your average person, wanting that dopamine they sparked in me back.
Maybe I could give them a bit more time, be a bit more “patient.”
But my instinct honestly says no. I’m just not patient. And you know what? I don’t have to be. Because there are people who don’t wait so goddamn long to text back. They’re into me and it’s clear.
Although your situation is different, I hope you can find some company in my frustration. You’re not alone.
There’s nothing really I could say to help you get over that sting of rejection. It hurts, it feels like shit.
But one thing I’ve found helpful, is to just be reminded that you are normal for being really into someone and it’s also normal that sometimes the people we like aren’t so into us.
And some more practical tips:
Block him on social media
Put his chat into archive, so you don’t have to scroll past his lack of answer every time you go into your messages
Do your best to focus your attention elsewhere
When you start feeling sad, give yourself a little pep talk.
“You liked them but it just wasn’t right. It happens. It happens to Sarah, like all the time, and she’s really cool.”
Also what I like to do when I’m first processing feelings is to journal or even write a letter to the person that you will never send, just getting all your frustration, anger, and sadness out. I find it really helps.
My husband and I were navigating a challenging time when I finally brought up my desire to be polyamorous. He was not ready but I did try my best, with the skills available to me at the time, to tell him I was having strong feelings for A.
My husband read all my texts to A behind my back and showed them to our therapist who described it as an emotional affair.
However I have always had deep connections with friends and didn't realize this is an affair.
We tried to move past it, and I kept hanging out with A for almost a year. Finally, my husband asked me in February to cut off all contact with A so we could work on our marriage and my husband could heal. Six months later my husband and I are doing really well and fully opened the marriage and are seeing other people. I still miss Person A like crazy but while my husband agrees logically it should be ok to bring A back, he isn't emotionally ready.
I don't know what to do, it's been a long time, I miss A like crazy and I don't want to ghost A forever (I told him I needed a pause and why but didn't know for how long), and I'm starting to feel controlled by my husband, but I also want to give my husband the time and space to heal.
How can I better understand what he's going through while also helping him understand my needs to have my closest friend back and how much I'm hurting. Is it fair for it to take this long?
Sigh. I’m sorry this is happening. I fucking feel your pain here so much. I hate HATE the feeling of being controlled. It must be excruciating.
On the other hand, I applaud your maturity here, and your ability to not let your feelings for A run the show.
You were able to pause things with A so that you can heal your relationship with your husband. It’s big of you to do that, even though it must not have been easy to make that choice.
Now what do you do?
There’s no easy answer here, but one part of what you wrote, which you probably just meant as background information strikes me and might be the key to the problem.
You said that your therapist and your husband believe you were having an emotional affair.
But it sounds like you don’t believe that it was.
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