She could only go wild with someone else

Monogamish Advice #37

The first advice column of 2025. Woo! This week we have one asker who’s wondering if being an anxiously attached person should stop them from exploring non-monogamy. Great question.

Our second asker’s partner has been able to let go sexually with someone else in a way she hasn’t with him. It’s a beautiful and it hurts all at once.

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Should an anxiously attached person pursue polyamory?

How do the different attachment styles play out in polyamorous relationships?

Do you think securely attached people can do better with each other, or can anxiously attached and dismissive avoidants also thrive?

I can't imagine an anxiously attached person like myself being able to even consider polyamorous relationships, I think it would obliterate all the work I've done to try to become securely attached, or maybe it would be the challenge I need to face my deepest fears?

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For those who don’t know, there’s a ton of research out there on what it means to be an anxiously attached person. According to health.com, a “hallmark sign of an anxious attachment style is called hyperactivation, or constantly looking for signs that your partner is going to leave you.”

Thus, if you recognize yourself to often fit this category in monogamy, I agree, you should “proceed with caution” when it comes to non-monogamy. The very common worry (even for people who describe themselves as securely attached) that your partner will leave you for someone else is probably just going to be stronger, making it harder to cope in the situation where your partner meets someone new they like.

That said, if non-monogamy is something you’re genuinely interested in exploring, try it out.

What I would be curious about first and foremost though is why you want this. You mentioned wanting to face your deepest fears. That’s noble. But I think you need more than that.

What does that challenge represent to you?

Expansive love? Sexual freedom? Freedom in general? The ultimate love for your partner to be able to see them happy even though you aren’t the source of that happiness?

Get clear on why you want this because that’s what will carry you through some of those tougher moments.

If after reflecting on that, you still want to try it out, I say go for it. Dip your toes in the water.

A lot of people think when you open up, everything all of a sudden gets crazy, unbearable, wild, and even pornographic in some cases.

Let me tell you: it doesn’t have to be this way and in most cases, it’s not at all.

What I would do in your situation is make it clear about your interest to your partner or potential partner, but also that you might struggle with jealousy and that if you were to experiment with CNM, you would need to go really slow, like glacial speeds.

Start with whatever triggers you a little but doesn’t throw you over the edge. Like what would happen if you both signed up for OkCupid and started swiping?

Now one of you thinks someone’s cute. Just talk about that with no intention of asking the person out.

See what happens with these little experiments. See what feelings come up and start building trust and compassion for each other’s feelings at this very early stage. Practice your communication skills. Stay there for months, years. Maybe that’s enough excitement for a while.

Go slow and maybe you’ll find it all starts feeling pretty safe (even if still a bit uncomfortable.) And yes, I think you will find it is a beautiful journey of personal growth and self-discovery if you approach it in a mindful way.

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She went wild with someone else

Hi, Sarah. Your reel regarding finding joy in your partner’s other relationships really affected me. We’re swingers and I’ve been struggling lately because although I was so thrilled to see her have a great time, it shined a light on some intimacy issues we have together.

She was comfortable doing things she is not comfortable doing with me.

She had physical responses she does not have with me.

These are things I’ve longed for for so long that it made me sad to see her so free with someone else. We’re working on ourselves and our relationship. Do you have any advice outside of that?

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Let me just take a moment to empathize with you on this. I’m assuming based on the swinger context that your partner has been able to let go and go wild sexually with another person in a way you either haven’t ever seen before or haven’t seen her do in a long time with you.

I can imagine how that would sting. It’s like f*ck why can’t I make her do that? Why can’t I give her that level of joy, happiness, horniness!

It’s a beautiful amazing gift to be able to help make someone, I think especially a woman, really let go in this way.

Of course you want that. Of course you want to be that person for her.