“She lied to push me out.😠”

Monogamish advice, edition #16

Without further ado, I present the 16th advice column. 

Our first asker is dealing with a manipulative and abusive metamour and she doesn’t know how to move forward. Our second asker is polyamorous but falling hard for a monogamous guy. What to do!

As always, you can submit your questions here.

<3

Sarah

She was abusive, and he’s still with her

My meta was abusive towards me and lied to push me out of our hinged life, causing me a lot of trauma. I’m having a really hard time moving past it when I still have to see her face and hear about her.

My partner feels stuck in the middle but I’m hurt he doesn’t have my back more. I’m scared this will end the relationship and I don’t want to give her that satisfaction.

I love my partner and, before his meta decided to behave that way, this has been the best and first real relationship I’ve ever had.

I can’t get past my bitter and hateful feelings. Any advice or am I hopeless?

Sincerely,

Meta Problems

---

Dear Meta Problems

Let me first say that I’m sorry your meta lied to try to push you out of your relationship with your partner. 

It sounds like what she did is quite shitty.

And I can imagine it feels debilitating when the person you love isn’t there for you through it all. How do you move out of this swamp of deceit and hurt?

The most pressing issue I see here is to figure out what to do about your relationship.

You say it was great before your metamour started being a d*ck. That’s one reason you want to stay together.

But another reason, you say, is that you don’t want to give your metamour “the satisfaction.”

Which is it? You need to figure this out. 

If you feel your partner isn’t supporting you, and you can’t recover from this, please don’t let “not giving her the satisfaction” stop you from doing what you need to do for yourself.

If you do let that petty reason stop you from moving forward, you’re actually giving her even more power over you than she’s already had. You’re better than that.

Now, if you do want to stay with your partner, figure out what you need from him to feel safe again.

Can he give that to you? Is he willing to be there for you to find a way to make this work?

I don’t know what your metamour did exactly, but I would like you to also consider the possibility that what she did wasn’t all that unforgivable. 

Acknowledge you’re both human, you both just want love and peace, and that sometimes people’s insecurities get in the way of us doing the right thing.

Whatever she did, the reason for it on the surface, may have been to get rid of you. But the real reason, the underlying reason, is that she’s scared and insecure.

She loves your partner and felt threatened.

Maybe you can talk about what happened one-on-one together and find some empathy for her mistake.

I’m not asking you to be friends. But if you do decide to stay with your partner, it might be an important part of your path toward healing from whatever happened.

I know this is difficult, but try to remember this is the universe challenging you. This is your chance to show up with honor. 

Whatever choice you make, remember that and show the world and yourself you can be the bigger person.

---

I’m crazy for a mono guy

I'm in a bit of a pickle. I've been friends with benefits with this guy for about six months now and it's been great and gives me a boost of joy, empowerment, and sexual satisfaction.

Lately, though, I noticed that I've been starting to develop romantic feelings for him and it's been driving me crazy — I'm polyamorous and he's well, monogamous and single. I just don't know what to do even after a couple of months of reflecting. When I noticed that feeling, I started seeing him less, especially during the summer and felt that hey, I can actually manage this well but then the feelings came back again, recently (and we see each other a few times in a couple of months). 

I really enjoy our friends-with-benefits relationship but sometimes I feel that the romantic feelings are hindering my capability to enjoy what I have with him right now. I daydream of having that romantic relationship I desire with him, but I also realistically know that he's monogamous and I don't want to change him nor stop him from finding the one he can be with for the rest of his life. I don't know whether to tell him what's going on or just keep it to myself and enjoy the most with what I have with him. What do I do? 

Sincerely,

Polyamorous Pickle

---

Hey Polyamorous Pickle,

I love how you’ve chosen a nickname for yourself, so I didn’t have to think of one. Nice!

And yes, falling for the monogamous guy…I’ve been there a time or two, and I totally get it!

It should be simple right?  

You’re just both just enjoying each other’s company until someday basically, he finds someone to be monogamous with.

As long as things can stay casual, it should work out fine.

But for some us, like you and me, it’s not so easy to keep things casual.

I can tell you about one of my experiences in a similar situation