"She asked for an open relationship, and I don’t know what to do."
Monogamish Advice Edition #22
In this week’s advice column, one asker wonders if asking their partner to be named his “#1” is poor form.
Another asker’s wife is feeling uncomfortable with the extra time he spends with his lovers. But he wants to be respectful toward the people he’s intimate with. What can he do about it?
Last but not least, another man’s girlfriend has just asked him for an open relationship and it doesn’t feel right. How can he approach this?
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<3
Sarah
“Can I ask to be his #1 or is that too egotistical?”
When you are non-monogamous how do you define your relationship? Because it seems like it would be too egotistical to ask to be #1 compared to others.
I want someone who means home to me, but how can I request that I am more important to him than his other dates? And how do I build this when there are always other dates around?
Sincerely,
Egocentric
Dear Egocentric,
My short answer is this: Yes. You can ask someone to be their #1.
But just identify first what you hope to get out of that label.
Based on what you’ve written, it doesn’t seem like having the label alone will solve your problems. It sounds like the real problem here is that you don’t necessarily feel that important or special to your partner.
So ask yourself, what would make you feel important or safe? On a practical day-to-day level. Beyond the label?
Do you want to spend more time together than you’re spending now? If so, how much time would be ideal? Do you want to have a regular one-on-one date night? Do you want to plan your future together, imagine moving in together one day or starting a family? Do you want to be his plus one at weddings, share finances? What is it exactly?
Non-monogamy is a wonderful opportunity to better understand what a relationship really means to you beyond a label. Because in CNM, for better or for worse (but I think mostly for better), there aren’t predefined rules about what a relationship means.
I attached a worksheet to this email called the “Non-escalator relationship menu”. You can each fill a version of it out and decide what you expect and want out of your particular relationship.
It’s not egotistical to want any of these specific things.
When it comes to the label “number one” maybe there’s a bit of ego in wanting that, specifically. But even so, we all have egos, and it’s totally normal that you do too.
It’s great that you’re aware that might be part of the reason for wanting this.
That might also be something you want to work on in that case. Where else could you garner more self-worth besides from your partner? How can you feel worthy, lovable, and awesome without being the proclaimed #1?
To summarize, start with figuring out what you really want out of your relationship and see if he feels the same.
No matter the outcome, feel good about standing up for yourself and having the courage to come forward with what you want.
Through actions like this, real self-worth will blossom.
“What do I do about my wife’s jealousy?”
My wife and I have dipped our toes into the ENM/Poly lifestyle over the last four years and have been exploring ourselves solo outside of our loving relationship over the last few months.
My wife has recently been jealous of me with other women, but it's not the fact that I'm having physical sex with them. It’s the small amount of time I spend with the other person (mind you, our experiences are purely FWB situations and no relationships have evolved).
It's hard from my view to see this because I know my intentions, and we both know what I'm there for, which is pure sex in a FWB situation. But at the same time, we don't like one-night stands, and me being a respectful person, I feel like I need to at least give someone some of my time prior to sex as I respect them as a person.
I'm reaching out for any advice you may have for me and my wife. We live in a small town with minimal links to other people who are poly or ENM.
Sincerely,
Respectful