Sex with 1 more man before I die?
Monogamish Advice #39
This week, one asker has a bad “gut feeling” about the new woman her partner is seeing and doesn’t know what to do with it.
For the second question I decided to answer a query, originally written to the NYTimes’ Ethicist, from a woman who wants to have sex with “just one more man” (besides her husband) before she dies.
<3
Sarah
My partner and I have been together for 3 years. Since the beginning, we 100% agreed that we want to be non-monogamous. Even though not very frequently, we have both had crushes, flirts, spicy encounters etc. Sometimes it felt easy, sometimes it was challenging. For me, usually it makes it a lot easier to meet the other person. Even though we understand our relationship as priority, we don't use veto power. It's more a listening to each other's needs and limits at all times, to make well informed but self-determined decisions. This is sometimes exhausting, but until now has worked well for us.
Recently, he developed a crush on a person that felt different for me. Even though I met her and we got along fine, there's that feeling I have... I can't really say what it is... it's just a gut feeling, that I don't want this person close. And usually, for me it's the right thing to listen to my gut. Anyway, I cannot ask HIM to listen to MY gut....So what shall I do? Accept that a person enters my life that I really don't want there? Ask him not to date her? Ignore the feeling and trust him with his judgement?
I told him and I feel that he listened and appreciates my honesty. Yet, he seems really keen on getting to know her better.
I trust that if we got to a point where I could not support the situation, he would prioritise our relationship. Still, I really wished that it just wouldn't get to that point.
Sincerely,
Gut feeling
Dear Gut Feeling,
To be honest, reading this post, I was a bit disappointed. You started out with a great little intro to your normal, healthy romantic life and I was excited for what was going to “happen to it!”
But then nothing really did.
As you seem to suspect, a gut feeling is not enough to go on when it comes asking someone to exclude someone else from their life.
It probably shouldn’t even be enough to exclude someone from your own life.
Because that’s the thing about gut feelings: You really have no idea where they come from.
For all you know, your partner’s new girlfriend could just look like one of your mean babysitters who take care of you when you were three. Or some mean girl in high school.
Your body is subconsciously remembering this mean person when it sees this new unrelated person and reacting to that.
It’s kind of similar to how racism works. If we learn, through media etc., that green people are criminals and to trust pink people especially, we’re more likely to have a negative or positive “gut feeling” of each group respectively.
It doesn’t mean that we should act on those feelings.
This is not to say that you shouldn’t trust your gut. You should very well listen to your gut. It often has extremely important information and in this case it might too.
Maybe there is something really sneaky about this girl. Maybe her intentions aren’t pure. You could be on the right track about not wanting this person to be close.
The problem is you don’t know. We still always need to take other important information into account like whether this person has actually done anything shady to justify those feelings we have. Can you point to anything she’s actually done or said to you or your partner that made you squirm?
If not, my advice to you is this: Give her the benefit of the doubt. If something’s weird/off, with time, it will come to light. I guarantee it.
But that’s not your problem.
It’s only your problem when/if it actually is a problem.
So do your best to override those suspicious feelings with more wholesome ones. And trust your partner to figure this out on his own.
For the 2nd question, I’m answering a CNM-related question sent to the NYTimes Ethicist, copied below:
“I am a healthy, physically fit woman in my late 50s, married for more than two decades. My marriage remains fun, engaging, compassionate and passionate; we still have a very active sex life. Our children are grown and thriving. While my husband has been unfaithful a few times over the years (many years ago now), I chose forgiveness and relationship work. I have, however, developed a menopausal sex drive that has increased rather than withered — and a rather deep desire to experience sex with one other man before I die or get too old.
This man would have to be someone I don’t know and will never see again. I have researched a plan as follows: 1) Fly to a major coastal city; 2) Hire an escort from a reputable service and have sex with him in a nice hotel; 3) Fly home and get an S.T.I. screen (although I’d obviously have practiced safe sex). I have never been unfaithful to my husband. In fact, I had sex with only two other men before I met him. This desire is definitely not the result of latent hostility for his long-ago indiscretions (I’ve thought it through for several years now), and, according to my husband, I do have two opportunities to even the score with impunity. Nevertheless, I don’t want him to know because I don’t want to hurt him, and it would. I travel frequently, so this trip wouldn’t raise an eyebrow. To be clear, I’m not interested in an open marriage, polyamory or anything along those lines, nor would I use a dating or ‘‘hookup’’ app. Escorts from services whose prices are in the $1,500 range are well vetted, and I don’t feel I’d be sexually exploiting a 35-year-old, willing, well-paid man. What do you think? — Name Withheld”
I would agree with the Ethicist here in saying, that paying someone who is willing and able to have sex with you for money isn’t the problem.
The problem is your desire to not tell your husband about this at all.
You say it’s going to hurt him and that’s why you don’t want to tell him. And I’m not saying you’re wrong. Maybe he will be hurt.
But I have the feeling, as a fellow hetero woman, there’s more to your concern than that.
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