Non-monogamous ppl who wish they weren't

Congrats! You’ve chosen non-monogamy. But how do you really feel about it?

In Sally Rooney’s latest novel, Intermezzo (minor spoiler alert), she writes from the perspective of a man in his 30’s who is dating two women at once, each of whom he values and connects with in unique ways.

Throughout the story, he’s agonizing over his predicament. He’s stuck in loop, trying to figure out which woman he needs to dump, which one he needs to let go of.

Throughout his deliberation, he considers the idea of polyamory. Could he really have both?

Here’s a quote from the book:

“Has to be one or the other, of course, that’s a given. Nobody argues about that anymore, except those unnerving moon-faced people, the polyamorous, fetishists, and so forth. People who have cashed in their erotic stake in civil society and are doomed forever after to sexual irrelevance in the eyes of anyone normal, no offense. With all due respect he would rather drop dead.”

It’s extreme. It’s honestly plain old mean. He says “no offense,” but like pretty much any statement followed by “no offense,” it is very offensive.

Even though it seems to be a perfect potential solution to his dilemma, he would prefer to “drop dead” than become an openly non-monogamous person. Because what an embarrassment that would be!

No one “normal” actually practices polyamory accept for really annoying and ugly people.

And yes this is just a fictional character in a book, and there is good reason to believe that bestselling author Rooney, herself, doesn’t personally believe any of those things about polyamory. Yet she is reflecting the perspective of many, if not most, people out there when it comes to non-monogamy:

It’s unrealistic and it’s disgraceful.

Indeed, even in a place like Berlin where there are many non-monogamous people around (a large portion of my social circle is openly polyamorous), I hear of it often:

Non-monogamous people who really wish they weren’t.

They’re doing it, they’re living it. They’re in open relationships that they’ve actively chosen to be in, seeing more than one person and not lying to anyone about it.

BUT there’s a big part of them that doesn’t want to be. They see it as a temporary fix. A way to solve of a problem, a matter circumstance, and sometimes even a moral failing.

They don’t really want to be non-monogamous but their partner lives far away or doesn’t want to have sex with them as much as they would like. Or, like the character in Intermezzo, they also really like this other person in this other way.

Ideally this would not be how they operate — they imagine being different. They imagine finding someone who is so perfect who will stop them from wanting anyone else.

But they’re not and they don’t.

And even though it is indeed the best possible scenario for them — to be open — they can’t lean into. They’re constantly scanning to see how they might get out.

And this really saddens me. It seems like such a waste of energy.

To choose a path forward that works for you, that really works, maybe after years of dating and it not working, and yet detest that you have been relegated to this fate, as if it is a worse fate than monogamy would be, a fate that shows that maybe you’re “not capable” of being monogamous even though you “should be.”

My mission is to share with people that when it comes to love, they have options. Instead of inheriting a default framework and set of rules about how to exist in connection with someone else, they can design the relationship that works for them.

But that alone is not enough.

Because I see people out there who know they have options, they are even practicing those other alternative ways to love, but they still feel ashamed for choosing them.

The thing is when you grew up in a culture influenced by 10 commandments, two of which essentially say “Thou shall be monogamous,” it’s easy to convince yourself practicing non-monogamy is the less “good” option. But really it’s all about the way we frame it.

I could easily tell myself the following story:

The reason I’ve chosen non-monogamy is that I tried monogamy and it was too hard. I would meet other guys, and I resisted hooking up but a few times I couldn’t find the will to stop myself. I suck at relationships and so to avoid sucking so much, I’m in an open relationship. I need this handicap so that I can at least be honest with others. I don’t feel like a COMPLETE TOTAL ASSHOLE now because I’m not lying, but I am still hurting people so I still feel like just bit of an asshole. Ultimately, I’m not loyal enough and I lack the will-power for monogamy.

This might sound extreme but I’m afraid many people tell themselves some version of this story.

But you could just as easily make similar arguments about being monogamous.

I want to let my partner date other people. I want to not be possessive of them and let them be free to experience the joy of love and connection and sex with others, but I can’t. It makes me too angry to see them with other women. I feel like an insecure weakling. I want to allow myself to connect with other people too but I can’t without getting carried away and treating both people poorly. I failed at non-monogamy, so I guess I have to be monogamous.

If we already see ourselves as unworthy then we can paint pretty much everything we do as personal failure.

But it’s not.

Neither non-monogamy nor monogamy are failures. They are choices about how you want to live your life. That choice reflects your desires, your priorities, and values but not better or worse desires, priorities, or values. Just different ones.

It took reading many books and talking to many real life people about their experiences with polyamory to fully accept that this is not a worse option, it’s just another choice that works better for me.

Education. Community. Therapy. Coaching. These are the tools we can use to make this less common.

Not just so people know they have a choice but so that they know their choices are normal, valid, and even beautiful.

So they see first hand that we are not annoying “moon-faced” people. We’re fucking awesome. And I hope no matter what kind of relationship style you choose, you believe that about yourself too.

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Relishing the end of summer before a date!