Back when I was in my early twenties, living in Manhattan, working on Park Ave,
Back when I straightened my hair every day,
Back before Tinder existed,
I met a guy on OkCupid. A macho finance bro with long dark eyelashes and a romantic side. We started dating.
At that time, I was ready for a new boyfriend. And we were both into each other. It was the perfect storm.
But then that same summer, maybe 6 weeks into dating him, I went on a long-awaited vacation with a friend of mine through Europe. On the trip, we had a blast and part of that blast included “getting friendly” with a few guys. A kiss here and there and more-than-a-kiss with one person on a Croatian island.
…this was my chance to “be free” before I committed to him.
Even though the boy back home and I hadn’t discussed exclusivity yet, it seemed to be going in that direction. So I felt a little guilty afterward.
I didn’t know how he’d feel about my escapades.
At the same time, if we were indeed going towards a relationship, this was my chance to “be free” before I committed to him.
I felt, in the end, that everything would be fine. Maybe this would even be a catalyst to our discussing being together for realz.
On the day I arrived back in New York, he came over to my apartment, and in the name of honesty, I told him what had happened on my trip.
“You’re not serious,” he said. “Why?” he asked. “Why?” He couldn’t believe it.
Because he lived across the Hudson in Hoboken, he still slept over that night but refused to touch me.
I felt so cold, so lonely. I couldn’t believe what was happening.
He left early the next morning in a fury.
That day at the office, I couldn’t eat. In the words of Rachel Bloom, “You ruined everything, you stupid bitch,” is all I could think.
I couldn’t work either, I just sat at my computer watching my screen through blurry tears, which I tried desperately to hide from my colleagues.
I texted him a few times and just waited, tortured, for his reply.
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