Non-monogamy on hold?

I need to be straight with you on something. Throughout the latter part of my pregnancy and the first months of my child’s life, Flo and I have effectively been monogamous.

We’ve been so busy, moving in together, getting our apartment ready, preparing for the birth, and figuring out how to take care of a tiny human who needs 24-hour care, neither of us have had the time or energy to date others.

Since neither of us were in committed partnerships with anyone else before life got crazy, it hasn’t been a problem to shut off our dating muscle during this time to focus on each other, our family, and existing friendships.

And now, three months after giving birth, I still don’t see dating others in my immediate future. When your child depends on you for sustenance, you don’t get a lot of me-time.

And as for Flo, he can leave me alone with the baby much more easily than I can leave the baby alone with him.

And there’s a part of me that wants him to go out and be with other women if that’s what he wants to do. For example, we talked about him hanging out with an Italian woman he’d been seeing casually, Alisa.

But I’ve got to say, when the topic first came up I didn’t feel good about it.

First off, there are the practical reasons. When Flo’s gone and the baby’s awake (which is most of the time during the day), it’s difficult to even go pee on my own, not to mention cooking or showering.

It’s just way harder when he’s not around.

And then there’s the envy aspect. 

I’ve been able to deal with envy in general. For example, recently Flo wanted to go to an outdoor DJ set one unusually warm and beautiful Saturday. I agreed that I would watch the baby that afternoon to evening while he was gone.

And you should have seen him. He was so excited to go and his good mood was infectious. He was grateful when he got back as well later that evening. Sure I wished I could so easily do the same (and I will plan on something similar in the next month once I have enough milk reserves and the opportunity comes up) but ultimately I was happy for him despite the extra work for me.

But when it comes to him seeing Alisa, it feels harder for me to accept.

I think him going out and doing his thing with her makes me keenly aware of my limitations in my ability to do the same.

Maybe it sounds petty, but as a new mother, I’m still grieving my loss of freedom, and living with someone who can do what I can’t do so easily, stings.

And then there’s good old jealousy, the worry that I’m being replaced in some way.

I’m not a DJ with a sick sound system, I’m not a climbing wall. It makes sense that he would need to leave the house to experience dancing at a club or bouldering. I cant help with those things.

However him spending time with another woman feels somewhat gratuitous. He can have sex and cuddles with me, so why does he need to take what little free time we have to go do that with someone else? I can’t help that question popping up in my head.

But I know the answer to it as well.

First off, I know as well as anyone, it’s exciting to spend time with someone other than your long-term partner.

I don’t trigger as much excitement and that’s okay. I’m actually pretty comfortable with that. I understand the science behind it and know “more exciting” does not mean “better”.

Also just because she’s also someone my partner may cuddle and have sex with, doesn’t mean his experience with her is at all similar to his experience with me. She’s a totally different human being — of course it’s a unique experience for him to be with her.

Humans are not interchangeable and we don’t want to be.

Also logically, if my partner has, say, four or five hours to do what he wants, then I should just accept whatever he does is what he does. 

I ended up telling Flo that if he’s keen on seeing Alisa, he should as long as he comes back early to help with caretaking.

He was appreciative but has yet to actually make an arrangement with her. 

“I get the feeling you’re not really ready for that,” he said.

I didn’t argue.

It seems non-monogamy is on hold. Just for now.

But I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. The main benefit to non-monogamy for me has not been being able to sleep with other men or date this person or that.

The main benefit is knowing that the conversation is always on the table. That no matter where life takes us, we can always talk about it. Our desires and wishes and hopes and dreams are allowed, up for discussion, even when they don’t fit into the pre-ordained structure of what love is “supposed to” look like.

For that, I’m grateful. Come what may.

Love,

Sarah

---

What else?

• Struggling with jealousy? Check out my free 20-min video tutorial on how to conquer your jealousy. Here are my most important jam-packed tips for handling this multi-faced creature.

• The advice column this past weekend covered one woman who says her husband is not as ravenous for sex anymore now that he’s having so much of it with his other partner. What can she do about it?

• Happy belated Mother’s Day to all the momma’s. Loved this quote from IG (@twolittlestolove) on the subject of who should be giving gifts :)

---

Five points if you can guess what city we’re in…