In this edition, one asker wants to know: Is it controlling to set limits on how often your partner can see other people?
Another asker is in an open relationship, yet her partner still lied about seeing someone else. How can they move forward?
A third asker and her husband recently opened up and want to meet people, but hate the apps. I give my best tips for meeting CNM folks in the wild.
Enjoy and if you have a burning question, write me here to be featured in a future edition!
<3
Sarah
My partner and I are in an open relationship (not polyamorous, at least for now). Is it controlling to want agreements around how often we see other partners?
Sincerely,
Control Freak
Dear Control Freak,
It always feels a bit jarring when people ask questions in this way.
“Is it controlling?”
“Is it bad?”
“Is it wrong?”
There are very rarely, if ever, universal truths, clear “rights and wrongs” when it comes to dating and love.
That’s the beauty of non-monogamy in fact. There are no rules. You get to make them up purely based on you, your boundaries, and the people you relate to’s boundaries. And how you navigate all of that is up to you and whomever else is affected.
Now, on one hand, this is great freedom but on the other hand, it’s more work in learning what the hell your boundaries truly are and how to communicate them. So that’s what you need to do next.
Figure that shit out.
If you’re just starting out your non-monogamous journey, in my opinion, making agreements around how often you see other people is smart.
When my partner first went on a date with another woman, for example, there were a lot of new feelings that came up all at once. It was scary to imagine them kissing, and enjoying each other on a date. I was worried about what would happen next.
In this situation, I didn’t actually request him to not see her again soon, but he decided on his own to not see her again for at least two weeks.
He knew it would have been too overwhelming if he were to have gone on another date in the same week with her or with someone else (even though the opportunity came up).
And I’m grateful that he took this initiative.
That said, I think it would have been 100% fair for me to have asked him to do this myself.
For the record, I don’t think the first step when we’re feeling triggered should be to limit our partner. We should figure out other ways to seek reassurance first. (Plan our own dates, ask them to do something loving for you).
But especially in the early days if the emotions are super strong, sometimes requesting a pause is the best thing to do.
Nowadays my partner and I are more flexible.
We have the general agreement that we do whatever we want with the time we’re not already planning to spend together.
If that means going on three dates with other people in one week, so be it.
That all said, we also must make sure to keep in mind the other person and how they’re feeling at any given point.
If my partner for some reason was particularly jealous about a specific individual maybe I’d be a bit more cautious about spending all my free time with them until he felt a bit better about the situation.
Agreements and rules can be important, but they also can only take us so far.
Sometimes, we simply need to go with our guts and just focus on being empathetic towards the people we date, however that may look.
My partner went on a date without telling me months ago and I just found out from a mutual friend. When I asked him if they got together, he lied and said no, and only later when I asked "What would she say if I asked her?" he confessed they had kissed.
I feel like I've been cheated on and I don't know if I can trust him again, even though he has done much more on dates and meetups, but the difference is he has told me beforehand.
We've been together 8 years and are very happy for the most part. I genuinely don't think it's worth losing our relationship over but I don't know how to move forward with an open relationship if I don't trust him to communicate and not lie to me. If you have any insights this would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Cheated