My husband doesn't want to be near my BF 😕

The first ever Monogamish advice column :)

Happy Sunday everyone,

As promised, here is the brand spanking new Monogamish advice column! If you’re a free subscriber, this is just a preview. For supporting members, you get to see the whole wam bam - thank you, ma’am (or sir.)

If you have a question for me — need some advice of your own — you can submit it here and I will try to send you an answer (regardless of whether you’re a paid subscriber or not.)

Thank you for reading :)

<3

Sarah

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Dear Monogamish,

I am in a polyamorous relationship with my husband of 27 years, Kevin, and my new boyfriend, Richard.

My husband, Kevin, and I have always had a rocky, passionless relationship and were even divorced at one point. We got remarried a few years later simply so I could go back on his health insurance because I had a health scare and my insurance was shitty. 

A few years ago we decided to buy a cute little log cabin on Lake Michigan and try again. I was sort of tired of the constant dating and just wanted stability (in hindsight, it was probably a mistake).

I told him before we bought this house that I’d discovered I’m poly, to which he responded, “tell me something I don’t know”. So he was fully aware. But I guess he thought if we were trying again I would squash those feelings down.

Well of course I couldn’t and after living together for a year and making every attempt I could to be happy with him alone, I found someone else who I’ve been with for three years and we have the loveliest relationship I’ve ever had. I was open and honest from the beginning and gave him every opportunity to get out of this (get divorced, sell our house…whatever HE needed to be happy).

At first, he was just pissed for a while. And now he’s finally (sorta) accepted it enough as to not make me feel bad or guilty for being with Richard, but absolutely will not be around him period. I should add that once I became involved with Richard, I stopped having sex with Kevin and we moved into separate bedrooms. I guess now we are just nesting partners?

Luckily Kevin travels quite a bit so Richard comes over and stays with me when Kevin isn’t here (and Kevin knows that). And I stay with him sometimes. But I much prefer my own space (my pets are here, and did I mention how cute my log cabin is?) Lol. And to be totally honest, Richard’s house is SO cluttered and messy, and my OCD and I just really prefer being with him in my own space.

Kevin has made it clear I can do what I want, but that he doesn’t want Richard here when he’s home.

I’ve tried approaching it so many times and always the same answer. He isn’t comfortable being around him. Kevin has a big outdoor project coming up and he needs help and I told him Richard offered to help and he said no. So he won’t even have him around for help that he needs.

He has my every permission to date whoever he wants (I wish he would, but he will not even consider it). I do realize I could make a huge change myself and move out, but I love my space here so much (and could never afford it without him). In the years we were divorced I literally moved 12 times in 12 years. I’m 50 now and just can’t do it again. I mean I could of course, but I don’t want to. The whole idea of going thru another divorce, splitting up our shit, finding a new space, etc is just so daunting that if I can’t get Kevin to accept Richard fully, I would opt to leave things as they are.

In your opinion, is this something I need to just accept, or do you have recommendations on getting Kevin to lighten up about it? I mean, if Richard leaves something at my house and Kevin is home, he can’t even come get it.

And just FYI Kevin would never make a scene, he’s super passive-aggressive, but would just sulk, etc, it’s not like he’d try to fight him lol.

Sincerely,

Log Cabin Lover

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Dear Log Cabin Lover,

The first thing I want to acknowledge is how frustrating this must be for you.

You love Richard and you probably, on some level, love your husband Kevin, even though you are no longer romantically involved. And it sounds like you really love your cabin. :)

You wish everyone could just play nice and be a big happy family.

It does sound ideal. 

That said, I also totally get where your husband’s coming from (echem monogamy, a heteronormative culture echem) and his actual real feelings of hurt, jealousy, and abandonment perhaps…So to answer your question: Do you have any recommendations on getting Kevin to “lighten up” about it?