In the webinar last week I did with homies, Joe Duncan and Ro Moed, someone asked about book recommendations, and I realized I never wrote an email dedicated to that.
So now it’s time to share with you a rundown of my favorites in the sex/love/relationships sphere….
Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality by Christopher Ryan, Cacilda Jethá
This is one of the two first books I ever read on non-monogamy (alongside The Ethical Slut).
And its value came primarily from how it made me feel validated. There’s a lot of science in the book, suggesting that humans actually are naturally non-monogamous as opposed to monogamous.
It made me feel like, not only is this right for me, but goddamn it, I dodged a bullet here (monogamy being the bullet)!
So it’s great. But take it with a grain of salt (as you should with everything you read because there’s always a “study” to back up pretty much everything you want to believe).
Apparently, there’s another book out there called Sex at Dusk which aims to disprove everything that Ryan and Jethá say in the book.
That said, I think the evidence is compelling enough that we can’t write this whole book off just because of the counter-books existence.
More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux, Eve Rickert
Ahh, I love this book. Although there are some slower sections, I love how both simultaneously easy-to-read and helpful this book is.
There’s so much knowledge in there not just about how to do non-monogamy ethically but on how to do relationships ethically, how to communicate, how to deal with XYZ situation. And I love how they interweave anecdotes from themselves and their friends into the text.
This is my favorite non-monogamy how-to book.
Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic by Esther Perel
Okay, a lot of non-monogamous people are into this book. It’s a great book. It’s interesting, insightful, thought-provoking, and well-written. Esther Perel is a legend.
That said, beware.
What’s so remarkable about the book, really, is that it’s written for a mainstream audience and it proposes non-monogamy is a possible way to keep your relationships spicy in a long-term relationship. It takes the option seriously and even questions monogamy as a viable paradigm in this day and age.
There’s a lot in here mostly about long-term love, with some examples from Perel’s decades of experience as a couple’s therapist.
Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship by Steven Snyder
Alert: the author is a Christian and sometimes that religion seeps through into this text.
But I still love this book. It’s not about non-monogamy and in no place does he encourage it. That said, he does not outright speak against it, and I appreciate that.
I think it’s important that we all realize that when it comes to love, especially long-term love, there’s much more to that than whether or not you’re monogamous.
And he really covers the “more to that” in a fun and insightful way. In a lot of ways, the theme here is similar to Mating in Captivity’s, but from a slightly more spiritual point of view.
Come as You Are, The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life By Emily Nagoski
Such a great book about the female body and sexuality! I learned so much about the way desire works as well as my orgasms and so much more. This also validated me in the sexual sense. A must-read.
Honorable mention: Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern
If you know about attachment theory already this may be a bit boring and is indeed a bit dense at times. But it’s a must-read when it comes to polyamory. Fern is a psychologist and she has a lot of intelligent insight into the ways different people interact with polyamory depending on their attachment styles.
This is, by no means, a beach read and can get repetitive but it’s important nonetheless. It explores polyamory in a way to my knowledge no one has before.
Phew. I hope you got something out of that. Until next week!
<3
Sarah
Blog post of the week:
During Oral Sex, You May Want to Get Clear on Who It’s “For”
One conversation could change everything.
Shot from the bridge (Elsenbrücke) on my bikeride home last Sunday <3
What an interesting article!!