“I’ve fallen in love, and I’m not sure I can stay in my marriage.”
Monogamish Advice Edition #23
Welcome to the 23rd and last advice column of the year and before my parental leave! Woo!
In this column, one asker is poly, into her partner’s best friend and thinks it may be mutual. Should she pursue him?
Another asker has fallen deep in love with someone other than her husband. She wonders how she can stay in her marriage.
A third asker is dealing with some intense anxiety when she doesn’t hear from her partner for a while. Do I have any advice for her?
Next Wednesday, in honor of the holidays (and rest), I will not be sending out my usual email. If you want more reading material, you can always refer to the “best of” from this past week or the archive.
If you wanted to see the replay from the quarterly webinar on setting boundaries to thrive in non-monogamy, scroll to the bottom of this email (the one you’re reading now).
Happy holidays!
<3
Sarah
“I can’t deal when my partner doesn’t respond to my texts.”
I tend towards an anxious attachment style. My boyfriend and I are non-monogamous, and he is for the most part wonderful about being responsive to texts and messages when we aren't together (we live apart).
However, every once in a while he is busy or distracted and stressed, and he is less responsive.
I know logically that everything is okay, but my nervous system gets so triggered and I have a hard time self-soothing. It feels like I'm in such danger, and that his love for me has suddenly changed and I'm being abandoned. I try to apply all of the techniques I've learned about from years of being anxiously attached, and I know this relationship is so safe, and yet still my nervous system feels like it is on fire. Any tips for getting out of a triggered state? Thank you so much.
Sincerely,
All Nerves
Sorry to hear you’re struggling with fear of abandonment when your partner’s not responding to you promptly. You say you’ve applied the techniques you’ve learned from years of being anxiously attached, but they don’t seem to work.
I’m not sure if I can offer anything new (bc I’m not sure what you know already), but I can tell you what I do when I’m feeling this way.
My partner and I are both pretty independent and value time away from our phones, so typically I don’t worry if he hasn’t responded in a while, but occasionally, the morning after he went on a date for example, I do feel frustrated or nervous. I wonder, What are they doing now? Why haven’t I heard from him?
If I find myself in this state, it’s helpful for me to put my phone in the other room and find some activity to absorb myself in for a few hours.
Usually, he’s texted by the time I look at it again. And if not, I rinse and repeat. I know, “easier said than done,” but it’s helpful.
The second part is asking for his help. He knows now that in this specific scenario (the morning after he’s been on a date) I can feel nervous. And because he’s aware of this, he now makes an effort to text me as soon as he can the next day (before he otherwise naturally would), so that I’m not waiting too long.
As a result, nowadays, I rarely struggle with this.
So I would ask you, are there certain specific situations in which you feel more stressed by his lack of response? Maybe he can also tune into that and be more responsive at those specific times.
Personally, my phone’s existence stresses me out, so I couldn’t agree to just “be on my phone more” because my goal is to be on it less. But asking your partner specifically to text you earlier rather than later after they leave a date, at specific times, that should be doable. See what I mean?
That last tip I’ll give is just to try to forget the goal of “not feeling triggered.”
Studies show what matters more isn’t how you feel, but how you feel about how you feel (meta-emotions). If everything is in fact great between you and your partner, then just let yourself feel nervous. Focus on what that feels like in your body. Is it your chest tightening, your heart beating faster? Sit with those feelings, accept them and do not judge them.
It doesn’t make you weak to feel anxious. It doesn’t have to mean anything more than what it physically is, sensations in your body.
You’re okay. You’re normal. Good luck.
“I’ve fallen in love, and I’m not sure I can stay in my marriage.”
Hi Sarah, I am feeling lost. I’m married and I met someone this summer. I asked for an open marriage, my husband was open to it, and when we’ve all gotten together, it’s an amazing time.
But I’ve struggled with wanting to stay with my husband because the new guy in my life I’m falling in deep deep love for, and I don’t know how to keep my head on straight. Do you have any advice for that or have any recommendations of people I should follow or read, etc.?
Sincerely,
Deep in It
Thanks for sharing this. From your partner’s perspective, you have successfully described everyone’s worst nightmare in non-monogamy: What if my partner meets someone better and wants to leave me for them?!
But alas, your partner’s not asking for advice. You are. And you shall receive it.
You ask, “How do I keep my head on straight and stay in my marriage?” So my burning question is: Why is it so important that you stay in your marriage at all? And I do not mean that rhetorically.