I recently wrote about how my partner Flo has been seeing someone else. And how this time around it hasn’t been hard. Not really at least.
The feelings aren’t 100% one way or the other, but overall I’m happy for him and for her. I’m excited to see how she might stir the pot and for the support and joy she’s already brought to Flo (which indirectly affects my baby and me too).
If I could snap my fingers and change things, I wouldn’t. There’s no question about that.
Yet the other night when Flo and I were lying in bed and he said something about her, he could see I looked sad. So he asked, “What do you feel?”
I immediately said something that essentially blamed whatever I was feeling on him. (This BTW is the normal reactive response for many ppl). “Why don’t we ever blah blah blah,” I said. Or something to this effect. I said it bashfully, shyly, half-jokingly, clearly just wanting a reaction from him. But he caught it.
“That’s not a feeling,” he responded.
I knew he was right. I paused for a second and went inward. Felt my body. What was really happening?
Alone, said a voice from deep within me.
“Lonely,” I said. “I guess I feel lonely.”
“Aw,” he replied and held me closer to him.
Hearing about their relationship which exists without me — it felt lonely to hear about it.
But not in the sense that I feel like Flo is not there with me. That he’s not present.
More in the sense that he is off having this somewhat intense fun experience, and I’m not part of it at all. That he has this new person in his life to be close to. And I’m on the outside.
Not only that, but I want to have something like that of my own and I don’t. And it’s a reminder that I don’t.
At least, that’s how I intellectualize this feeling.
I’m not sure what to do with this information, but one thing I’ve been trying to do lately is be more intentional about dating, put myself out there a bit more and be clear about what I want: To meet a polyamorous man.
In any case, I’m still grateful to have identified this emotion in his presence. And to have his empathy, and love, and understanding to help soothe that feeling.
Sometimes that is all you really need.
And sometimes it’s more than that…
*Thursday* I’m hosting a FREE workshop on Jealousy: 3 Jealousy Myths Holding You Back From Compersion: Joy for your partner’s joy.
If this is something that you resonate with or if jealousy is something your struggling with, join me to feel more inner peace in your CNM relationship.
Because knowing how you should feel about something doesn’t change the way you do.
Details:
When: Thurs. Apr 24, 9am Pacific/ 12 PM Eastern / 6pm Europe* (recording if you can’t make it)
Where: Just sign up to get the special link to join the call.
Thank you for this