It’s either her or me 😠

Monogamish advice edition #6

In this month’s advice column, an asker recently started seeing someone they’re really into. Now that person says he no longer wants a sexual relationship. And it hurts.

Another asker’s husband turned into kind of a sh*thead after they became polyamorous. Now she wants to go back to the way it used to be.

Should she deliver an ultimatum?

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I want to feel desired

Dear Monogamish,

The person I’ve been dating two and a half months and I had “the talk” and he says he’s not feeling that (sexual) spark but still want to continue seeing me.

We’re seeing each other around once a week when we can (he lives in another city). He’s been the closest to a committed relationship (with a wonderful emotional and honest connection) I’ve had since I became openly polyamorous.

Yes I have other partners but it’s been more casual and mostly focused on sex so I still feel bummed since I want something more than that. I feel so unsexy - I want to feel wanted and desired by him. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Unsexy

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Dear Unsexy,

Before I answer this, let me tell you a story.

When I first started dating Flo, my anchor partner, our sex life, honestly, fell flat. 

I could speculate as to the reasons why that was the case (I was seeing someone else at the time I was really into as well as going through a breakup), but nobody really knows how these things work. All I know is the sex wasn’t really exciting for me.

So one day, after a day of walking around getting coffee and hanging out in the park I told him. “Hey I really like hanging out with you, but I don’t know if I want to have sex with you, anymore.”

His response: “Well I do want to have sex with you, but that’s not the only reason I’m hanging out with you.”

He was down to be “just friends” too. After hearing that, I felt so seen and accepted, and warm. We hugged for a long time and it was beautiful.

And you’ll never guess what happened next.

Well, he came over so we could cook dinner together at my place, and all of a sudden, we were making out and I was getting crazy turned and we had the best sex we’d ever had so far. By a long shot.

It turns out I just needed to take the pressure off to let go and enjoy him.

Now I’m not saying that this will happen to you.

But what I am trying to say is that we can’t help how we feel, especially when it comes to attraction.

It’s not you, it’s him. It’s chance. It’s something no one can really put their finger on.

It’s just the way it is.

So for your own sake and for the sake of your relationship, try to see the good in your relationship that doesn’t include that.

Try to accept the situation for what it is as best you can.

And as hard as it can be, remember that you are sexy. You are desirable. And you don’t need him to validate that fact within you.

<3

Monogamish 

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Try a different ultimatum 

Dear Monogamish,

My husband and I opened our relationship 2.5 years ago and eventually transitioned to more of a poly model. I had several different medium-serious relationships and dated/slept around quite a bit. He has been with the same woman for essentially the whole time.

Things went well for a long time, but have gone downhill in the last 8-9 months. 

During this time, my husband and his other partner started to transition from friends with benefits to a more serious/romantic model, which was not in and of itself a problem for me.

The real problem is that as they got closer, I found my boundaries and needs weren’t being respected in the same way.

He seemed to get caught up in NRE and I felt that he was starting to prioritize her above me and neglect my feelings. If I spoke up about my discomfort, he would tell me I was being jealous and needed to work on it, and never seemed willing to make changes. I became more uncomfortable and hurt as time went on.

Long story short, I eventually reached the point where I told him I could no longer handle being in a poly relationship with him and we would either have to go back to monogamy or break up.

I will say, too, that my life had gotten so busy with work that I wasn’t dating anyone else at the time.  He is obviously not happy about leaving his other relationship and I agree that it is not fair to her. I just don’t know what else to do- he was always a wonderful partner before all this, and I feel like polyamory turned him into an asshole. 

Do you think we’re doomed? Am I the asshole for putting him in this position? I’m really at a loss for how to proceed, but staying in this V structure does not seem sustainable for me. 

Thanks! 

Ultimatum