A few weeks ago I was interviewed for the podcast “What’s your number.” (Episode just aired and you can listen here!) and part of the whole premise is to talk about your sexual escapades, tell a story from a one-night stand or a fling you had traveling.
When talking about a specific person, you’re supposed to say the number they are, so for example, you would refer to the guy you met at work as “number 10”, if they are the 10th person you slept with etc.
And during the episode, I thought of what “number” I should name the first guy I talked about (my ex-ex,).
And while doing some rough math in my head, on the spot, I expressly remember worrying about it being too high.
I expressly remember thinking, I don’t want to lie but I definitely can’t overshoot because that’s embarrassing.
And so I said, “40” which looking back is completely wrong.
Although I’ve had sex with four people in the last four years, I had sex with nearly 20 people in a year traveling around the world.
Looking back now, there’s no way in hell my number is 40.
If I was completely honest about my estimate, it would probably be something more like 60 or 70.
Anyway, it just made me realize that even after all this talk about not being ashamed of my sexuality, and why women should not be afraid to get pleasure for themselves through their bodies, I still am ashamed, myself.
Or at least, afraid of what other people will think about it. Afraid of who might listen in shock.
If I weren’t afraid, I wouldn’t have undershot, I wouldn’t have worried about overshooting.
Getting rid of the shame.
I really would love to rid myself of this shame, shed it like a cicada’s shell.
These hangups are not serving me. They are useless, and I know they make themselves known in ways that I may not even be conscious of.
I want to feel totally and completely free from shame when I become sexual. I want to feel in my core that there truly is NOTHING wrong with what I’m doing. I want to feel like I don’t need to hide anything.
I don’t want to hide anything I’m not ashamed of.
So 70, the number is 70. Let’s overshoot to be safe ;).
PS I was running a promo for folks to get the Alternative Relationship Diaries last week at a $20 discount. And time apparently ran out in European time on Sunday instead of Hawaii time.
So if anyone missed that bc time zones, you have one more day-ish to get the discount: let’s say the end of your day today to be safe. But then the price is back up for realz <3
Me and a new friend I met in the park the other day…
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My Desire Is Hetero, but My Pleasure Is Bisexual
At age 33, I’m digging into what it means to be “straight”
It would be a eason for shame if you did it thoughtlessley, which you are not. And that applies to many activities besides sex.
Yes I was wondering why the number is important? Surely it invites comparison and shame either way - too many or not enough!