I'm frustrated we're STILL monogamous

Monogamish Advice #41

This week I’m answering 3 shorter punchier questions instead of the longer-form 1-2. Now without further ado, the 41st advice column…

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My best friend has a crush on my partner and wants to be with them. How do I manage that?

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I’m guessing since you wrote in about this, you’re not exactly excited about the prospect of your best friend and your partner dating. But I’d love to know more about how you really feel about it.

Does this feel like a “F*ck, no! Over my dead body!” Or does this feel like a “Well, this doesn’t seem ideal, but I’m also ready for the challenge. Just need to figure out how to go about it?”

If the former, you need to communicate that as soon as possible. Tell your friend how you feel about the situation. Ask for more time to wrap your head around it, if it’s something that seems really important to them.

If it’s the latter, you’re struggling with the idea but you think you could accept it with time, then boundaries are key here. What do you need to do to protect yourself from being constantly triggered by this situation? Some questions to consider:

• Are you alright with everyone hanging out together being flirty and/or sexual or do you want to make it clear that should only happen when you’re not around?

• Do you want your best friend to talk about their relationship with your partner with you? Or do you want them to bite their tongue and save that for their other friends? Same goes for you partner.

Think through these scenarios, feel into your bodily reaction to them, and communicate it to each party where relevant. Also make a time to check in again in case any of your feelings here change.

Of course you can’t know how everything’s going to feel until it happens but I always like to try to imagine the best case scenario: You may have yourself a blossoming loving polycule.

<3

Sarah

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Me and my gf have been talking about opening up for more than a year now, but it seems like we are not making much progress. I’m consciously trying to be patient but I feel like I’m becoming resentful.

And also it feels like our relationship has become very focused on this. How do we take next steps while trying to accommodate both of us. If that’s possible.

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Some time ago, I wanted to go on a 2nd date with this guy I was really into. And for reasons I won’t get into right now, my partner was struggling with it.

I was angry. Given how long we’d been at this. Given that from the beginning we had agreed on non-monogamy. Given how much energy I had been putting into being empathetic and caring towards his feelings.

I felt like, we were going nowhere.

So here’s my advice to you based on what really helped for me being in this place.