So I went on an (I don’t know…seventh?) date with Ludo last week. We had dinner and then had cocktails somewhere. And then I asked him if he wanted to come back to my place.
And drumroll, please…He said no!
Why?
Well, he had some personal stuff going on and he felt that he should go back home that night to his partner.
He also mentioned he liked the whole, “slow dating” thing. As in, he liked that we weren’t rushing anything.
Which is fair enough.
And to be honest, I was a little relieved. A part of me did want to spend the night with him finally. At the same time, it was late, I was tired, and I wasn’t super motivated either.
And I think somewhere inside, I’m worried.
I’ve noticed anyone who seems interested in me, I’m not super into.
And I only go after the ones that feel like will be a chase.
It feels like self-sabotage.
Even though Flo has slept with Kathryn multiple times, I think somewhere deep down I feel I will hurt my relationship if I do that same.
I mean, how could I not feel that way somewhere inside?
I was severely scarred by this already in my life.
For example, back when I was living in Manhattan, there was this guy, Tom.
He and I had just started dating and were beginning to fall for each other. Then I went away on vacation with a friend and slept with another guy while I was there.
I told Tom about it after, hoping to start off a budding relationship on a clean slate. And even though we had never discussed being exclusive, he never forgave me for it. It was an extremely painful experience that dragged on for months, which you can read more about here.
So I wonder if that plays a role, what I experienced with Tom.
And I wonder if I should push myself a little bit to do it, just to prove to myself: it will all be okay if I do. You know like when you tell someone afraid of spiders to pet a spider?
It’s an interesting theory…
Thankfully, the truth in it doesn’t make so much of a difference in my life at the moment.
Despite what this newsletter’s subject is, I have gotten laid many many many times, and Flo certainly quenches my sexual appetite.
And sex or not, I still love the fact that we’re open, and I’m still free to have that experience when I am ready. That feels beautiful.
Let’s see what happens…
In other news, Flo and I are in Poland for the week, so I just have one story for you (and a picture from Dresden, where we stopped on the way):
Just Because We’re Open, Doesn’t Mean We Do Whatever the Hell We Want
We make up our own rules, and respect our partners’ boundaries
Nurturing my inner gargoyle
xoxo,
Sarah