"I need a break from non-monogamy."

Monogamish Advice Edition 18

Welcome to the 18th edition of the advice column! Woo I’m sweating from all that advice (or maybe it’s the pregnancy).

Got three for you today. In the first, the asker wants to know what to do about her boyfriend’s co-parent, who she believes is taking advantage of him.

The second asker feels she needs a break from non-monogamy but doesn’t know if and how to ask her partner for it.

The third is struggling with the idea of being replaced. Certainly, a hard pill to swallow.

*Also just a reminder about the webinar THIS TUESDAY* How to find joy when your partner’s on a date with someone else. I’m really excited to interview compersion researcher Dr. Marie Thouin to help get us further towards this end.

Note, supporting members not only get to see this whole post but can access the webinar for free. They also help support free non-monogamy education for all. Join us. <3

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My boyfriend’s getting used

My husband and I have been together 11 years and haven't always been non-monogamous. A little over a year ago I started my first outside relationship. My husband and him get along great!

My boyfriend has an unusual situation where his partner is trans and they are no longer romantic but stay together for the kids they claim. His spouse has moved someone else in, neither of them have jobs. Personally, I believe they are using my boyfriend for his money.

The spouse is downright emotionally abusive. It breaks my heart and my boyfriend doesn't see it as abuse. They have no intentions of splitting. The spouse has done a lot over the year to try and sabotage my relationship and my boyfriend won't stand up for himself because the spouse gets horribly mean whenever he does.

I would never give him an ultimatum. Our relationship aside from the spouse stuff is great and he has become a huge support person in my life and that's rare to come by. But, the spouse stuff affects me A LOT because it does affect our relationship. His spouse reminds me a lot of my abusive father and their constant yelling and belittling triggers me (I'm doing EMDR therapy for the childhood abuse)so his home doesn’t feel safe for me either. I know that when the stress of it all outweighs the benefits I need to remove myself from the situation, but I'm bad at judging when that would be and I don't want to lose the relationship because of an external factor.

I'm just completely lost and feel like I'm running out of time to make a decision because things haven't gotten better and I know I can't stay just hoping it will get better. Any advice or are there any books about this kind of thing? 

Sincerely,

Triggered 

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Dear Triggered,

I understand that it’s not ideal and might mean you see each other less often, but it sounds like it’s entirely possible for you to almost completely separate yourself from your partner’s co-parent.

Why not just see your partner outside somewhere or at your place? It seems like your husband is cool with him being around.

I know you say your boyfriend’s co-parent is abusive towards him, and that must be difficult to know, but it’s really important that you understand: This is NOT your problem.

If their relationship triggers you, the only thing you are responsible for is to protect yourself from it. If not for your sake then for your boyfriend’s.

If you don’t do that, and you get triggered and as a result, your boyfriend suffers too. Because now he not only has to face his partner’s abuse but also may feel responsible for the pain you feel.

So get away from it.

If the relationship is really bad, hopefully, your boyfriend will come to see it over time. But it sounds like you’ve given your opinion; what comes next is up to him.

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I need a break from non-monogamy

Hello! I hope this message finds you well! I am a year and a half into my first ENM relationship, my partner has 20 years of experience. We have been open since the first week of our relationship. Everything moved really quickly, which I entirely consented to.

But I’ve been needing us to pause or slow down in our open relating so that we can focus on our 1:1 sex life and help me “catch my breath” around all of this. 

It’s been nonstop for a year and a half. We swing, group sex, and play separately. Which is fun, but I need a break.

The need for a pause has caused a lot of friction in our relationship. He takes it as an attack to his freedom, and I’m just asking for temporary support from him.

I understand I can close it on my end, and let him continue doing what he does… which is what is happening right now. But I’m actually now practicing celibacy for a month because I feel so dysregulated around sex in general now, including him.

I feel so much guilt, and I’m really worried that I can’t handle open relating.

He’s an amazing man and we are truly so in love and he’s a phenomenal partner. My question is, is it abnormal for a couple to take a pause? Am I wrong for asking? If so, how can I navigate through taking my pause and giving him the freedom to continue to do what he does in an empowered way? Everything in our relationship is perfect, except for this “problem” which only I have.

Sincerely,

Overwhelmed

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Dear Overwhelmed,

My favorite inquiries are the ones I don’t know how I would answer right away.

This would be one of them.