In this week’s advice column, one writer is in a loving marriage and wants to explore ENM, but every time he brings it up, his wife is left in tears. How can he move forward without being a huge a*hole?
Another is spiraling from the movies playing in his head about his partner with someone else. How can he make them stop?
Love,
Sarah
I love her, but non-monogamy is calling me
Dear Monogamish,
My wife and I have been married for 11 years. We are both professionals, financially stable, co-own our apartment in Manhattan, we are child-free by choice. We have a solid marriage.
She comes from a more conservative background but we are both in a place in which we click on almost all ideals (we are both atheists, pro choice, etc.).
After much research and pondering, I came to the conclusion that sexual monogamy just makes no sense. Being a Guy, I guess it's a very common and "convenient" cliche (At least, most people make me feel that way).
I have started conversations about ENM with my wife, she has ended up in tears in most of them, and then I just drop the whole subject for years because it pains me to see her sad. And then of course I feel selfish and guilty for wanting to have sex with other women.
To be honest, I think about sex and relationships with other women every minute of every day now. The thoughts just feel intrusive. But I am also incapable of cheating, the guilt and the anguish I would cause keeps me sexually "faithful".
But I feel trapped, I am terribly unhappy. And then I feel guilty for having such a "great life" and feeling absolute dread, so it's a never ending cycle.
My question is, Is it over? Is this it? My life is over because, on one hand , I am very unhappy in an otherwise solid and loving marriage and it makes me feel awful about feeling this way. Or on the other hand, I divorce my wife who I have loved forever in order to try and live like my "true self". Either way I feel like I lost.
Sincerely,
Lose-lose
Dear Lose-lose,
I just want to say first off, on a practical note, thank you for this very well-written inquiry. It’s really nice to see some nice, clear writing. :)
Now to your actual issue.
I really felt for you while reading this. I’m sorry to hear you feel trapped and unhappy right now. And also that you feel guilty about feeling those feelings. I know that’s not a good place to be in.
It’s clear to me that you already know what you want. It’s just a matter of fully embracing it and taking the first step towards it.
You say you love your wife, you appreciate what you have. You understand how lucky you are. That’s beautiful.
But you are also terribly unhappy (your words- not mine) and you think about non-monogamy “every minute.”
Listen closely: You are not selfish for wanting more.
You can have the life you imagine — no matter what the people around you say.
I know it’s an extremely difficult choice and you feel selfish making it, but it’s not selfish.
Imagine loving someone who wrote all these things you just wrote. Would you want them to stay with you? Or would you want them to pursue the life they wanted?
For your own sake, as much as for theirs, you’d probably want the latter.
You said it yourself—you have a lot going for you. That means you have the resources to get through this. You would probably get out of this all without having to move home with your parents.
And guess what? You live in New York — there are like a gazillion non-monogamous (and atheist and pro-choice) people there. Go to a meetup, go to an I feel party, and you’ll meet a few. You are not stuck.
You know what to do. The rest is just details and logistics.
Get a non-monogamy sympathetic coach or therapist to help you make the journey. It’s going to make it much easier to get to the other side.
In the short term, it will mean heartbreak and confusion. In the long term, it means a new expansive buzzing world for you and yes, also for your partner.
As one great philosopher once said: YOLO.
Make the images stop
Dear Monogamish,
How can I stop all the "movies" I play in mind when I feel jealous that my partner is going out with someone else?
Sincerely,
Dear Kophkino,
Ah, yes, I know the “movies” very well. In fact, I’ll tell you about one night I was making a thrilling movie in my head.