I feel like the side chick

Monogamish Advice edition #12

It’s time for the 12th edition of the advice column! Hell yeah.

This week, one person struggles to figure out what to do about her “casual” open situationship (she wants more!). Another is a secret to her partner’s partner, and has kind of had enough of being unknown. What to do now?

Enjoy

<3 Sarah

I want casual PLUS

Hey, just discovered your account and your advice is rly insightful! I was wondering if I could ask for some advice.

Basically I'm in a casual relationship w this guy who was in a poly relationship, and what I didn't know was that just before we got back together (we hadn't been seeing each other for a while for various reasons), he and his partner of three years had broken up.

He only told me this about a month into our casual relationship.

I don't really see our relationship turning into a serious one, but I'd really like to be more emotionally intimate with him. Thing is, I'm having trouble thinking about how he might be dating other people - if we were in a long term stable relationship I'd be ok, but I'm aware that this isn't the case, and idk if he loves me.

Also, this is the only relationship I'm in rn and for the foreseeable future, so it's more important to me than it is to him. He said he didn't tell me bout having broken up w his partner bc it doesn't affect our relationship, which makes sense. So I wouldn't be surprised if he is dating other people. I'm not sure whether it would be better to know if he is or just to not think about it. Obviously the situation is different to if we were in a serious relationship, because I'm aware that our relationship might not be his main one.

So if u had any advice about this I'd be incredibly grateful, esp because I don't really know anyone in a non monogamous relationship that I could ask

Sincerely, Casual.

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Dear Casual,

There’s this weird thing in our culture, where we equate “casual relationship” with “you are a piece of dirt that I sometimes bang.” 

I’m not saying that that is what’s happening to you, but it seems to be something in that direction.

Him not telling you that he and his long-term partner have broken up, seems kind of extreme!  I mean thats huge news.

It doesn’t matter whether it “affects” you and your relationship or not, it’s the fact that he is someone you have some sort of relationship with that goes beyond colleagues or people who say “hello” in the hallway of your apartment complex. This is something you tell to your loosest friends: “Kerry and I broke up.” Nevermind someone you are sleeping with. 

If you want to keep things casual then that’s fine, but figure out what that means to you. 

You mention wanting more emotional intimacy.

You drop something about wanting to know whether he loves you or not.

It sounds like you also want more transparency around other people he’s seeing. You said, I'm not sure whether it would be better to know or just to not think about it.  Yet you clearly are thinking about it and you can’t just decide to push down these feelings.

The point is, all of these are totally valid desires, and now it’s just about finding the courage to speak up about them.

My advice to you: Have the conversation even if it feels scary. Do it anyway.

And be prepared for the possibility that you are misaligned, that he doesn’t want the same things.

In the short term, it will hurt, but in the long term, you can be proud of yourself for being true to your desires and boundaries around how you expect to be treated. This is the ultimate practice in strengthening your self-worth.

And who knows, maybe he’ll be so taken by your confidence he’ll wants more closeness too.

No matter what the result, you can think of this as your chance to be brave and say to the world: This is what I want, and that is important.

With love,

Sarah

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I feel like the side chick

Hi Sarah, I was hoping to see if you could share some advice with me. I’ve been in an open relationship for four months now where my partner has another gf. They’ve been dating for longer and have a don’t ask don’t tell situation from my understanding, but they’re open.

I’ve been struggling with the thought that he has another gf and she doesn’t know about me - kinda triggers me into thinking I’m the side chick.

He gives me reassurance and stuff, but it’s just hard for me to not have these negative feelings that block me from fully giving into our relationship. I think I would feel better about it if she knew about me and if we could just be cool with each other- which I had brought up to him about telling her about me, but I think he’s also scared of what the outcome might be for their relationship after that convo. 

Lol it’s just a lot going on.

Sincerely,

The Secret