I can't stand my partner's husband!

Advice #46

In this episode, we’ve got one dude who can’t stand his partner’s husband and another woman whose boyfriend wants to de-escalate and be “just friends.” How can she move forward as friends when she’s devastated?

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I can’t stand my partner’s husband, like on a moral level. It’s making me change the way I see my partner.

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You’d think this shouldn’t matter so much.

You’re not dating your partner’s husband after all; you’re dating your partner.

So who cares about the husband?

Yet it makes total sense that your opinion of his husband is affecting your view of your partner. That if you don’t like him, especially on “moral” level, it could affect your view of your partner.

They’re together because they presumably share values or some other important commonalities. If you don’t see anything worthwhile about him, maybe it says something about your partner and who they are.

The way I see it, there are two paths forward here.

One: just wait it out. Maybe there’s more to your partner’s husband than you are currently seeing. People have different layers and depending on the person, it can take a long time to get to the core.

It’s also possible that because of possible jealous feelings, the husband isn’t really showing you his best self.

Similarly, you might have a hard time accepting him because of some unconscious jealousy you may feel towards their relationship.

It may also help to ask your partner, “What is it about him you like? I just want to understand you better, and I think this is an important part of that understanding.”

But if you feel like you’ve gotten to know the husband well enough, and it’s just clear that he’s a big asshole who you cannot stand, then maybe you’re onto something. Maybe his good side won’t come to light or redeem his faults. And maybe just avoiding him wouldn’t be enough.

As I touched on above, the people we date, let alone marry, do reflect who we are. I, for example, respect my partner who I share a kid with. He has strong values, like loyalty, responsibility, and the environment to name a few.

It would reflect poorly on me if I chose someone morally bankrupt to share a life with and have a child with.

So yes, I agree, it does say something about your partner too that you can’t stand his husband. Maybe you’re less compatible with your partner than you thought you were.

Or. Maybe. You are compatible with him, but not with with the person he was when he married his husband.

In the CNM world, there is the concept of the game changer. They’re everyone’s worst nightmare, but in the end, they’re actually producing the best outcome for everyone.

A game changer is a person who essentially blows up a relationship or a polycule.

Not because they are deceptive and trying to lasso you away from your home.

But because they represent someone much closer to the deepest part of you than your longer-standing partner(s) do.

They make you question yourself and your life in a way you hadn’t before. They cause you to understand something about yourself which brings to light incpompatibilies you share with the other people in your life which you didn’t realize were there before.

This can be sad and heartbreaking, and what everyone considering polyamory wants to avoid, but the hard truth is that it happens, and ultimately it’s a good thing.

It’s possible that you are the game changer here and that you’re going to help your partner see the light.

But but but, definitely do NOT start with that assumption. Start with accepting he is there and for a reason. Try to see the good in him and make peace with it. Or otherwise, see your partner for who he truly is (someone more like his husband than you’d thought) and break up.

That’s all you can do, anyway. Anything else would have to be your partner’s prerogative.

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Just friends

Would you have any advice on how to accept a boyfriend you love, who wants to de-escalate and be just friends with occasional benefits?

We were pretty serious and had a kink Dom/sub relationship.

I’m devastated but want to respect what he wants and be friends. I don’t want to ends things.

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Let me tell you a quick story that happened recently that I’m kind of proud of. It’s very different from what you’ve described, but there are parallels nonetheless.

I went on a date with this guy, and I had a great time with him. (He was super fine.)

After that night, I was hooked. I wanted to see him again.

I waited a few days before asking him to hang out. His response was slow and non-committal, but eventually he said he was in fact keen to hang out again but was busy in the next timeframe.

This wasn’t a good sign. He didn’t seem as into it as I was. But I also thought, whatever, maybe that’s okay. He said he was still interested, so I’ll just try and believe that.

A week or two later, he reached out again out of the blue. I was pretty happy about this, thinking, “Great. My patience was rewarded. He’s finally going to ask me to hang out!”

The only problem is, he doesn’t.

The initial text is to ask how I’m doing and I respond and ask how he is, and then….that’s it. He disappears again. He doesn’t respond that afternoon. Not that evening either, and not the whole entire damn next day.

And I realize as that day goes on, I’m low-key irritable. It’s nothing big, but I notice it’s like a PMS-level annoyance in the background. Just less patience, more likely to nag my partner. But I’m not actually PMSing so I can only attribute it to him. To the fact that every time I look at my phone there is still no answer and it’s fucking pissing me off.