I vowed to never be monogamous again...

Monogamish Advice Edition #5

In this week’s advice column, a questioner who has vowed to be non-monogamous forever falls in love with…him, a person who wants monogamy (at least for now).

Now the writer is feeling that itch to stray and doesn’t know what to do next.

Another questioner worries that her partner’s wife, who’s not really cool with their relationship, is coming to town for several weeks.

Thanks for sending in your questions & happy Saturday <3

Sarah

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My partner’s wife resents me.

Dear Monogamish,

So my partner’s wife is coming to Germany to visit him for seven weeks. And she’s been back and forth on whether or not she wants to meet me.

He and I are both for meeting cause I think it makes everyone feel better.

She wrote to me in a way that was overstepping my boundaries, telling me how shit she feels now cause she cannot be there with him to build a life together and I am there instead of her. I cannot do anything about it and she doesn’t expect me to.

She also told me that he cheated on her (him telling her about us shortly before we hooked up was for her cheating, for him not). She is thus making me feel bad and that I shouldn’t be together with him. She keeps on saying to him how she wants us to be happy but obviously I feel bad and unwelcomed.

I am not in a relationship with her and she was using me as a scapegoat to make herself feel better. 

Now she’s coming soon and I feel insecure, she decided to come even earlier to surprise him and told me to make sure he is home… He invited me to his bday party with my partner but now we have to uninvite ourselves cause she is not fine to meet me. Or us. All of this makes me feel like poly doesn’t work… or. At least she’s not really poly and not fine with him being so. (She told him she doesn’t need it but will accept how he is. ) I am scared about what is about to happen over the next 7 weeks and I feel like I want to disappear cause me and this guy work together 6 days a week. 

Is it better to completely take a break, so he can work out with his wife their shit before he comes running for me? We have no relationship problems cause I am honest and don’t try to please him, whereas she does stuff she doesn’t like cause she’s afraid to lose him. 

Sincerely,

Worried Metamour 

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Dear Worried Metamour,

Wow, okay so there’s a lot to unpack here. To summarize: Your partner’s wife is coming to visit him. And you’re worried because she doesn’t seem happy about him dating you.

Based on your description, one thing is very clear: Your partner and his wife have a lot of issues to work out. 

And you’re asking: Is it best to completely take a break from him, so he can work out his problems with his wife?

My answer is: It depends.

It sounds like you are attached to this man. You have a real relationship and don’t want to stop seeing him.

And you shouldn’t need to.

I see how your partner’s wife has been trying to drag you into their problems, and it’s getting to you. But in the end, almost everything you talked about here is entirely their drama to deal with. She thinks he cheated (their drama). She wishes they could have a life together (their drama). She doesn’t want to be poly but feels like she has to (entirely their drama).

The best option for you is to try as best as you can to separate yourself from it all.  This is not about you. I repeat: This is not about you.

And also, I want to urge you as well, to try to show some compassion. I know you are trying. But it sounds like you’re doing so in a way that goes against your boundaries and thus, you can’t truly do so from a place of love.

For example, you said, “She was using me as a scapegoat to make herself feel better.”

This may be true, but this is also your interpretation. This person feels she lost her husband in some way. And she’s desperate to figure out a way to feel better.

She’s just a human in pain. So if your partner says, for example, he’s going to spend time with her instead of you one Saturday afternoon, this might help you be more understanding of that.

But make it clear to both of them that you’d prefer to stay out of their conflict. Your partner should be able to respect that. And also hopefully be there for you too.

And only if he can’t, then that’s when it becomes your problem.

As the pivot partner, it’s up to him to maintain his relationships with each person in a way that doesn’t overstep his own boundaries or either of yours.  If he can’t honor your boundaries or meet your needs, then it may be time to give him some space, as you suggested. Or just walk away. But you can’t know that yet, unless he, for example, already made it clear he won’t have time for you anymore.

Good luck and I wish you the best! <3

Love,

Monogamish 

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I vowed to never be monogamous again... until he came along.

Dear Monogamish,

I've been in a monogamous relationship for about 18 months now. I am a weird person and have been doing various forms of nonmonogamy, relationship anarchy, triads etc. in basically all my relationships up until this point.

I’d vowed to never be in a monogamous relationship but then this person came along.

Since part of the time has been corona lockdown etc, it made sense to not have too many social contacts anyway. But now I feel like I'm reaching my limit.

I just don't know if I can do monogamy anymore. 

I've approached the topic many times but his argument is that there are other insecurities and problems in the relationship and he’d prefer to deal with them before opening the relationship. Which makes sense, but being in a strictly monogamous relationship is starting to be a big problem for me and I'm finding myself sexually attracted mostly/only to other people.

If it continues, I will most likely just start cheating on him. In fact there have already been some very borderline situations.

He's also pointed out that I'm not trying very hard to introduce him to the scene by doing low-level things like play parties, creating a couple tinder or whatever, but I'm honestly just not interested in that stuff. I know what it's like to have my cake and eat it too. And going to play parties together won't necessarily bring us closer to what i want, which is having the freedom to openly connect with people outside the relationship in a variety of emotional/sexual ways.

My friends have said I should just end the relationship but we do love each other and sometimes we also work together...we've tried to break up before but something brought us together again. Having a mixed mono/poly arrangement is not an option.

Advice?

Sincerely

Poly4Life