"How's parenthood going?"
No more canned answers
When someone asks me, “So how’s it being a parent?” I mostly choke on my words.
There are so many complicated feelings that I don’t even yet know how to express so usually I just force out some generic answer.
It’s hard, but beautiful!
The words are cliché for a reason: they’re true, but they don’t usually represent how I feel in that moment, for example, when I’m out without my baby and wish I didn’t have to be home in a few hours or wake up early the next day.
When I wish I could just be completely absent of this huge responsibility like they are.
In Ali Wong’s Netflix special “Don Wong,” she nails it.
“Only other people with kids can empathize with the deep envy I feel for you single people. You don’t know how free you are. You can eat an edible at 2:00pm and go to the aquarium and watch the jellyfish go back…and forth…
You don’t got to bring a giant bag filled with little baggies of goldfish and toy cell phones.
You can just go with what’s in your pockets!”
And I resonate with that envy. Childless, you have no need to plan for changing diapers or fussy toddlers that need food NOW.
When I’m asked how parenting is, what I truly want to say is, “God I wish I could just not be one for one day!”
But I don’t say it.
Because I don’t want to scare them off if they want kids one day too.
I don’t want to unload on them.
I don’t want to give the impression I’m a fool for choosing parenthood even though it doesn’t seem to be something I actually truly want.
I don’t want to betray my baby in some way by complaining to others about his existence.
So I hold back.
But holding back feels shitty. And I don’t want to do that either.
I did it enough throughout my life trying to fit into the mainstream monogamous mold where I never belonged.
I want to be honest. I want to be real. Consistent with the reality that exists in the moment at hand.
I want to say “It’s hard. It’s a constant demand.” That’s the truth. That even when you’re away it feels demanding.
And only if you can be mindful, if you can manage to intentionally decide to see the other side of it, the other truth. Or if you can manage to get a way for a whole long weekend as Flo and I did this past weekend, and really miss your child in a way you never have before, can you really see how much he also fills your heart.
After last weekend, I can more freely say that little Avi is the sweetest little baby boo boo in the world, and he lights up my life.
I didn’t have a kid to make my life meaningful because it felt that way before too. But taking care of a little child who needs me and can’t survive without me and loving him, it’s something else.
Wow, what it feels like to be needed by something so incredibly vulnerable.
Who cant survive without you.
It’s at once the most annoying as well as the most adorable thing in the world.
That vulnerability, that total need, without pretense, without him being ashamed of it in some way.
Mom, I need love. Hold me. Let me envelop the warmth of your body. Let me put my hand on your face and know you are there with every single one of my senses.
He sighs.
His relief tangible when I lift him up.
He needs this.
And I need it too.
What else?
I recently posted a video on IG using parenthood to disprove the notion that wanting to date multiple people means you don’t love your 1st partner enough.
Really poetic and useful response in the NYTime’s Ethicist advice column to someone wanting advice on their partner cheating.
Advice column for supporting members out this Sunday. Ask your question here.
The next Community Hour will be Wed June 11, and I already got a special guest lined up, so mark your calendars 8am Pacific/ 11am Eastern/ 5pm Europe. (Generally these will be the 2nd Wed of the month).
Became a paid subscribers to join us live + get the recording.
You are doing amazing! It’s the toughest job in the world.