The person I’ve been seeing regularly (other than my partner), Chris, and I were on a date the other day. And it was going really well; we cooked, cuddled, and listened to music.
But later that evening, when he realized his partner might come home soon (and he wasn’t sure exactly when), he started to dissolve. Not physically but mentally.
He was looking at his phone more, he seemed preoccupied, a bit checked out.
I told him how I perceived him to be and that I wasn’t feeling good. He listened and empathized. Then he biked me home (just a few blocks away) and before he left, made sure I was okay.
But that evening and into the next day, I felt a bit off. Down.
It’s bizarre when a person is so there and so focused and so present. When you feel so taken care of and happy, and then all of a sudden, that feeling of well-being disappears, and you’re left feeling insecure and needy, instead.
It made me wonder if I’ve ever made him feel that way too.
My primary partner
For me, Flo is clearly a priority in my life. We’ve been dating for over three years, we love each other, and he’s going to be the father of my baby.
He is my primary partner.
That’s not to say this hierarchy is prescriptive, by the way. It’s not that he is the #1 before all others, and it has been decreed that this is the way it will be until death do us part.
No, the hierarchy is descriptive.
That’s the way it is because practically that is the way it is.
Make containers for your other partners.
That all said, despite his premiere place in my life, if I go on a date with someone else or hang out with a friend even, for the container of time that we are together, my focus is on them.
They are, for all intents and purposes, the priority in that timeframe.
Now of course, if something urgent were to come up—Flo needed something for example—I would tell the person I needed to go. But that is rare (In fact, I don’t think it’s ever happened.)
Normally, the person I’m with is the person I’m with. My phone is sitting tucked away in my fanny pack while we’re together.
One of the most beautiful gifts you can give a person is your attention.
You don’t need to buy your date flowers, write your names in the sand, or declare them the official second most important in your life. All you need is to be there, and when you’re there, really be present.
You deserve the focus of the person you are seeing when you are together.
I don’t think it’s possible to do this perfectly all the time, but based on the feedback I’ve gotten, I think I’ve done a decent job of creating this container. And part of doing that has meant, for example, creating the expectation with Flo that we won’t text when we’re on dates with others (although, if it’s urgent, we can always call each other).
Protect yourself.
And from the other side — while dating someone who already has a partner—it’s also important to protect yourself. Especially, if you often find yourself feeling unimportant in the shadow of your partner’s other partner(s).
How do you do this? Well, I’d start with acknowledging that whatever is happening is not because you’re fundamentally not important to them but because this other person is also important.
Your date or partner really cares about another human. They’re just trying to juggle needs in the best way they can think of (even if they’re doing a shit job at it, that is what they are attempting).
That all said, you deserve the focus of the person you are seeing when you are together.
It’s reasonable to simply ask for that.
So that means a few things. Timing. When you hang out, agree on how long it can last beforehand so that everyone knows what’s up.
If there’s a transition period, where the person is going to need to plan to return to their other partner, then everyone should know about it upfront so that they can be prepared.
Secondly, you need to communicate what makes you feel like you’re not getting the attention you want. Maybe it means asking them to put away their phones or limit the amount they talk about their other partners with you.
Communicate.
Really, it’s all about communication and setting expectations.
Even if you are a “secondary” partner, I think you can mostly avoid feeling secondary to anyone else.
In fact, I don’t even like using that word. Because I don’t think people or relationships can be “ranked” in such a cut-and-dry way. They aren’t math problems.
I find using “partner”, “date”, “lover”, “nesting partner”, or “primary partner” can probably fulfill all necessary labels.
Since that evening, Chris and I have talked about exactly all of this and have come to an understanding. He paid attention, understood my feelings, and agreed to my requests for more communication on expectations the next time we met.
Over the years, I’ve learned being non-monogamous means sometimes accepting discomfort, learning to self-soothe and take care of yourself but part of taking care of yourself is asking others to help you feel cared for, to meet you some of the way there.
If they are worth your time, they will be up to the challenge.
<3
Sarah
Our coworking space randomly decided to get a pool, so I took a little break this afternoon to enjoy the unexpected September summer revival. <3
What a well considered post and it is something I have been pondering now that I have a few lovers. Yes, my time spent with them is sacred to that connection with them and when I am with them I am "in love" with them, not others. The book "love 2.0" explains this well and it entirely supports the idea that polyamory can be at least as committed as monogamy if not more; that commitment being the commitment to your lovers' freedoms and happiness.
You give some great practical advice in this post. Thanks!