He's not good enough.
How much does status affect who you date?
At Jewish sleep away camp, age 11, there was a new boy on the scene, and I found out through the grapevine, he had a crush on me.
I distinctly remember not being sure about Lenny, a Ukranian-American from Brooklyn. He was kind of cute but a bit on the short side, and I was not really sure where he stood on the social ladder.
I didn’t want to say I liked him back right away.
I just wanted it to linger, stay flattered, uplifted by the thought that I was wanted, which was more meaningful than ever at this awkward age.
Besides, saying I liked him back would be a commitment of at least…one or two weeks of the entire four weeks I would be there. I needed to be certain.
But as I was hemming and hawing, something happened.
My best friend at camp, Sadie from long island, who was super cool — she had boobs already and everything — told me that actually, she liked Lenny.
And then all of a sudden, he wasn’t so short and his coolness was not so uncertain.
If Sadie liked Lenny, Lenny was it.
If she wanted him, I wanted him too. I liked him back. It was clear.
But before I could even say Wait, hold on a second, Lenny and Sadie started dating.
And I was on the sidelines wanting him to like me and me alone again. (Never mind that I still didn’t actually know the kid.)
Thankfully, their relationship lasted not more than a week (about a year in camp time) before Sadie started liking another guy, I think. I don’t remember exactly how it all unfolded after that, but somehow directly after they broke up, he and I started dating and I think we did until the summer ended.
I know I know, it sounds like it would be a huge drama explosion among 11-year-old girls.
But somehow, Sadie and I kept our BFF status in tact throughout it all. (I like to think that we had some polyamory vibes going on.)
What’s his status?
I tell this story because in the last years, I’ve started questioning more and more how much status or perceived status plays a role in who I like.
Back at camp, my crush on Lenny never had anything to do with him. It was almost 100% about his status, how being with him would make me look.
And I have to say, sadly, I don’t know that I’ve changed that much since then, 25 years ago.
When I look back on my dating life and I think of the men I’ve had crushes on, they almost always have fallen within a range of “acceptability” when it comes to their more “classical hottness.”
That’s not to say all of the men I’ve dated have been clear hotties.
No, I know many people would not be attracted to my exes. My personal taste has factored in greatly.
That all said, I know that I have disregarded guys before who I may have felt a tinge of attraction to because I see them somehow as below me. I have actually felt he’s “too chubby” or “too small’.
This is all very embarrassing to say out loud. I wish I were less superficial, and to my credit (maybe), this is more subconscious than conscious. I’m not actually thinking or, God forbid, saying out loud, “his teeth are too crooked” but I know this is still happening somewhere inside.
Essentially I’ve dismissed someone, cut any attraction short with the thought, “Nah Sarah, you can do better.”
I’ve even have had at least one friend say that to me directly once when I brought home a date I got along with. Why are you dating him? She remarked something along those lines, the implication being clear: You can do better.
After hearing her words, feeling embarrassed by them, I couldn’t see that guy the same way anymore. I didn’t hang out with him again.
On the other side, when someone is more classically hot or famous even, the idea that I could be with them is a huge motivator. Like yes, I’m genuinely, attracted to these people but this extra knowledge that I might be seen as hotter, cooler, better because I’m with them charges me up. Again all subconscious, but it must be there.
And I don’t like this about myself.
Who cares what they think?
In an ideal world, this wouldn’t matter at all. Why should what other people who are not involved at all in your relationship think about the person you date matter?
Why should Sadie liking Lenny have influenced my liking Lenny?
What should matter is how much you like someone yourself. If it’s a longer-term relationship, you may be concerned about sharing similar values, their sense of humor, whether you have aligned visions of the future.
If it’s a more casual thing, you might be concerned with how attractive they are to you regardless of how “hot they are” to others. (Their classical “hotness level” compared to how attracted you are specifically to them may be correlated but they may diverge quite a bit too.)
So what can I do about this? There’s a part of me that wants to go out there and try to have a fling with someone who is more classically “unattractive,” maybe try to undo this side of myself by force.
But attraction is not a science.
For this to work, I’d need to first find this person attractive from a primal level, which is definitely not a given.
At the same time, I need to also stop whatever inhibitor that blocks this attraction whenever I subconsciously clock them as not “good enough” in some away.
We can’t control what makes us turn towards or away or what gives us “the ick” as the NYTimes wrote about recently. And because we are an incredibly social species, it’s almost impossible to distinguish clearly between what you’re attracted to personally and what you think is socially desirable. I don’t think you can totally separate cultural taste from personal.
Because of these complications, I don’t think it’s worth spending a lot of time or effort on this particular project.
But I will say that being aware of it is important because there are probably a few men in that sweet spot.
Maybe the attraction is so big that the inhibitor isn’t strong enough to stop me. And with my own power of will I can get over that hump.
And hopefully, if there’s ever another time someone judges the person I’m dating as “not good enough,” I will proudly say back in their faces, “You don’t even know him. F*ck what you think.”
For now, here’s a big old intellectual “f*ck you” to caring about status and a “hell yes” to fucking like animals if that’s what everyone involved truly wants.
Speaking of f*cking like like animals…
I’m finally putting finishing touches on my book, working title Sex Positive, Non-Monogamous, and Finally Me. It’s my in-depth journey from monogamy to the present, with all the juicy drama that happens in between. Stay tuned for that release (2026).
How do I keep ENM form my parents?
Find out my take in the advice column that comes out on Sunday for paid subscribers.
In a long-term relationship, but interested in that guy Pete from work?
You maybe be suffering from default monogamy. Check out my spoof on IG along these lines. (I was pretty proud of this one.)
