In this week’s column, one asker hooked up with her roommate and it was spicy. The only problem is, his (poly) partner’s not so cool with it. What can she do?
Another asker and their partner committed to the idea of CNM for years but when the rubber actually hit the pavement, it wasn’t as easy to deal with as they thought it would be.
Another asker wants to know how to limit her attachment to people other than her primary partner.
Remember if you have a question, you can ask here. Enjoy.
How do I limit my attachment to people other than my primary partner?
I recently started an open long-distance relationship, and I’m still learning a lot. But the most important question for me is how do I limit the attachment I can get from dating other people?
I’m quite an emotional person and the decision my partner and I made is to be physically, not emotionally open to other people.
The solution to have only one night stands should be easy but honestly, I’m never turned on only by looks, more the combination of the energy and character.
I get scared that I want to see one guy more times and that distancing from my emotions will be a problem.
But for now, I’m not polyamorous nor want to be. Thanks so much🫶🏼
Sincerely,
Strictly Physical
Dear Strictly Physical
You seem to have conflicting desires here. On one hand, you want to limit the emotional attachment you may develop with people other than your partner because you and your partner don’t want to be polyamorous.
On the other hand, you want to be able to feel an emotional connection of some sort because that is how you will be able to fully enjoy being open.
First of all, this makes total sense. I’m similar to you in this way. Emotionless one-night stands just don’t really appeal to me, and for me, it feels almost impossible to completely separate the two (feelings from sexuality).
So how do you move forward?
Well, one really very important thing to clarify is this: Why is “limiting emotional attachment” important to you and to your partner? And what does that mean from a practical standpoint?
Is it the feelings themselves that are the problem? Because in reality, feelings themselves are never the problem. It’s what we do with those feelings, ie. how we act, that truly matters.
My advice, clarify what is it you want to protect in your relationship and work outward on your agreements from there.
I’m assuming one value you both have is that each other is the priority and that you have enough attention for each other. That your bond remains strong and loving. What else?
You believe that forbidding polyamory and allowing multiple committed relationships with other people, will help you achieve that end.
If this is the only clear boundary, this leaves you a lot of wiggle room for feelings. I’ve felt emotional even within the framework of a one-night stand. That doesn’t mean we have to give each other labels or start vowing to see each other every week. Even if you start feeling an attachment, you still have agency. And if you and your partner make the effort to keep your bond alive, this won’t get in the way of your relationship.
At the same time, you’re right to think you may develop strong feelings for someone else at some point and want something different. But that’s just life and that can happen whether you are non-monogamous or not.
My advice is to have that conversation with your partner on what exactly you want to get out of limiting each other and what those limits look like and as long as you are in consent, go out there, have fun, and let yourself connect.
Don’t worry about problems that don’t yet exist.
Help! I hooked up with my roommate and his partner isn’t cool with it.
Hi Sarah! Soo this is my polyamorous pickle… Six months ago, I, a historically monogamous person moved into a flat share with a guy who I found through a family friend.
We didn’t know each other before. He is polyamorous with one partner and then openly dates other people. His partner was living with her boyfriend at the time and also is polyamorous.
When I first moved in we began to become quite good friends, really enjoying each others company and it was nice also getting to know his partner a bit.
However, after three months, we ended up sleeping together after a few drunk nights… anyways he told his partner after a few days. She reacted really badly and was super hurt by it, and told him she needed a 6-week break to sort through her emotions. Me and him decided we would just be friends.. however for the last three months we have continued to sleep together sometimes and he never told her about it hoping that it would fizzle out between us- but it just hasn’t!
Her situation isn’t exactly easy either, her partner has recently moved out to go traveling and she has moved into a flat with friends and a woman that she is romantically involved with too. So she also has a flatmate romantic interest lol.
Anywho recently he and her were discussing her flatmate and then he decided to broach the subject with me and ask her if it would be ok to explore things with me. She said no as she is still hurt by the whole thing.
So now he has called it off with me and said we need to just be friends. It’s a shame because we live alone together and I have strong feelings for him and find it hard to just be friends.
I feel like why can’t she try and work through it? I also obviously can’t continue with the cheating and neither can he, it makes him feel guilty and me just a bad person. I just need help trying to navigate and understand the situation as I really don’t want to move out, it would disrupt my entire life. I just can’t help but find it unfair that she doesn’t want to work through her discomfort with the entire thing! Let me know your thoughts 🙏🏼
Sincerely,
Polyfrustrated