"He’s putting her over me."

Monogamish advice edition 17

Welcome back to the advice column! I’ve got three for you today.

Our first asker wonders if their imagined version of poly is okay.

Our second asker is in a long-distance relationship and, ever since her partner met someone else, she feels like she’s been downgraded to a secondary. What does she do now?

Our third asker and his partner started seeing someone new together, and afterward, his initial partner left them and then stopped contact. How does he go on?

Remember, free subscribers get the first one as a preview, and my supporting members get to see the whole shebang. Subscribe to see all past, current, and future advice columns, get free access to the quarterly webinars, and help support free non-monogamous education for all.

<3

Sarah

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Can I do non-monogamy this way?

Can I choose to be non-monogamous in my own way? Meaning can I have 5 additional partners for physical relations like making out, heavy petting but not have sex? But my partner wants a sexual relationship with one person. Can partners choose their “own ways” to be poly?

Sincerely,

Poly Math

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Dear Poly Math,

It’s always interesting to me when people think polyamory means something very specific: like all your partners need to date each other (yes, I’ve heard that before).

To answer your question: Yes. Of course, you can choose your “own way” to be poly. As long as everyone involved enthusiastically consents, do whatever you want!

That’s the beauty of non-monogamy.

You get to decide what works for you and it can be about a million things besides monogamy.

On a totally separate note, I can’t help but notice that it seems like you might be saying that because you are engaging intimately with five people but not having sex,  whereas your partner would be having sex with just one person, there is some sort of “equality” here.

I’d avoid thinking of it in this way.

You could have a deep emotional and romantic connection with one of your heavy petting partners, and this could be way more important of a relationship than the one your partner has with the person they are having sex with.

The idea that “sex” which I assume here you mean penetrative sex? is more intimate or important than other types of sexual engagement is a myth.

Don’t let the details of what you actually do behind closed doors with any of your partners have undue weight.

If you’re intimate, you’re intimate.

It means there’s a relationship there and it matters.

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I used to be his primary

I am in a long distance relationship with my partner. I am in the US, and he is in India. He recently took a trip to Budapest and met a person there. They have been talking to each other regularly and both love each other.

I thought I would be ok with it, but I am dealing with insecurities and jealousy. I get sick to my stomach when he stays awake late night on call with his new partner and does sex chat with her. He is on a whole new vibe.

And I have noticed small changes in his behavior towards me. For example, he never used to go to bed without talking to me or saying good night but now he sleeps off after talking to her the whole night. 

It hurts a lot.

I am trying hard to accept this new reality but I feel like I am going distant from him. And we end up arguing when I communicate about my insecurities. He says it's all in my head and that nothing has changed in the way he feels for me, but the small changes in his behavior towards me say otherwise. 

I feel like breaking up with him, but I love him so much. I don't know how to deal with this.

I personally don't have any harsh feelings for this new person in his life. But I feel secondary in this relationship now, and we are constantly arguing and upset whenever we talk on phone. I want to be completely ok and accepting of his choices. But I am not sure how to deal with my insecurities and jealousy.

He said I am spoiling the new relationship phase for him. I feel miserable. Any help is appreciated!

Sincerely,

Downgraded

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Dear Downgraded,

I’m going to be honest, it breaks my heart a bit to read this. 

I once read somewhere that men (in heteronormative relationships) will almost never break up with their girlfriends.