He's looking at polyamory content - help!

Dear Monogamish, edition #9

In this month’s Dear Monogamish, we have a tricky but classic polyamory situation on our hands. What happens when you need your partner but their on a date with someone else?

Our other asker has caught their partner looking at polyamory content online. The thing is, they are monogamous and don’t want to change that. What do they do about it?

And just a reminder, that this coming Tuesday, we’re talking all about gender and how thinking critically about it can help us thrive in our love life and beyond.

Join us live or register here for access to the replay. Or become a $7/month supporting member for free access to that and the rest of this email.

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My boyfriend is polycurious - WTF

Dear Monogamish

Me and my boyfriend are in a monogamous relationship. I’ve heard him say before how he thinks it's very interesting when someone is poly and lately he's following polyamory pages on Instagram.

I don't think polyamory is for me and I don't want him to find someone else when he's with me. Is it still polyamory if one person doesn't tell the other person? Because to me that's cheating.

I'm so in love with this man and it would break my heart to leave him.

I don't know who else to ask on this topic. I don't like conflict and confrontation otherwise I would ask him straight out. He's told me he's only been with me and he's not looking for anyone else so I'm not sure what to think.

Sincerely,

Monogamous 

Dear Monogamous,

If you’re in a relationship where monogamy is agreed upon by both parties, then you’re right, it’s cheating if one person goes behind the other’s back to see another person. It’s kind of irrelevant whether we call that polyamory or not.

Luckily, if your partner is following polyamorous content creators on IG, I know at least the most popular ones out there all agree on this fact and are pretty vocal about being open and honest and NOT going behind people’s backs.

So actually I would argue, the more he watches creators on IG, the less likely he would be to actually go behind your back and cheat on you.

So let’s give him the benefit of the doubt on that.

That said, it does seem that he at least is interested in polyamory.

And I can totally understand why that would worry you (someone who doesn’t seem interested in it).

So what do you do now?

The part that stood out to me about this message was the following line: I don't like conflict and confrontation otherwise I would ask him straight out. 

I understand that it’s hard to bring up difficult topics in a relationship.

But this is so so important. Regardless of whether it’s about non-monogamy or children or your family or where you’re going to live in five years, we NEED to, more than anything else in our relationships, be able to discuss challenging topics.

Maybe he really is just curious about this topic but doesn’t necessarily want to pursue it himself.

Maybe he just wants to be able to talk to you about the fact that he sometimes desires other people and doesn’t want to keep it from you anymore.

And if what you fear is true — he strongly identifies with polyamory and wants to pursue it — isn’t it better to find out sooner rather than later?

You don’t know and you can’t know unless you talk about it with him.

Try not think of this conversation as the beginning of the end. It may be the beginning of a new chapter, where you can share these things with each other.

For me, one of the biggest challenges in monogamy was not being monogamous per se, it was feeling like I couldn’t talk about any other possibility without being shut down and told it must mean I don’t care about my partner enough.

If anything, that was the most damaging aspect of the relationships I had before I found non-monogamy

So please don’t run away from this. That is the only thing I can leave you with. Face it head-on, ask him today when a good time to talk would be, and give him the space to share his honest feelings before you jump to any conclusion.

And share your worries too.

This is where connection and intimacy bloom. See and be seen.

Best of luck,

Sarah

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When his date is prioritized

Dear Monogamish,

I am in my first non-monogamous relationship (I don't know that I would call it polyamorous), and it's been a struggle.

I can logically accept and support the idea of the relationship but feelings of jealousy and discomfort come up all the time. A lot of what you share is helping with that, but I have a different question for you.

How do you handle things like sickness or emergency situations? I have been pretty good with scheduled plans when either of us spend time with someone else, but I find that the moments that have affected me the most negatively are when an emergency or injury has come up and I wasn't made a priority.

One instance was when I had to go to a minor emergency room because my toenail was ripped off. Another was when my 15-year-old dog had to unexpectedly be put to sleep. In both cases, a date with his other girlfriend took priority and I was left feeling abandoned. Do you deal with this?

Sincerely,

De-prioritized

Dear De-prioritized,

I first want to say, I’m sorry you felt alone when you needed support.

I haven’t been in this exact situation, but your story reminds me of something that happened to me.